Disgusting

To be told that my own brother, thank God step-brother, not only roofied me after n August 2021 and, raped me but, that he has done it several more times while I listen to my step-father say how he got him that fucking scooter for doing the right thing has made me so sick that I wish I was a murderer. 

Michael Tookey has even gone so far as to say it is his decision if he kicks me out or, not and, his decision is to just torture me and, treat me like his personal slave. 

I know that these people have done this same thing to so many others using my name and, voice as well as telling people that I am a child molester that, being homeless is just as bad. I get told how he and, John have drugged me and, let people in this apartment to rape me. I have no way of knowing if this is true or not. 

I didn't know that I was raped in August 2021. These people told me I was but, I didn't believe it for a long time. It wasn't until someone that I trusted told me that the picture I took of my broken nose was older than a day or, two. I didn't know that I was missing time like that so, I didn't think about how that bruise looked.

My Uncle's have decided that until these people tell me the truth, they have to not only be around me but, continue to force me to hear them. I can't help but, interact with them silence everyone can hear my every thought. 

I learned to trust some of them, despite the fact that I am constantly told how this person or, that person raped me. I get made fun of by my step brother and, hear him say that they raped me and, that they hate me. Since there is no way for me to actually know what is real and, what isn't I had to trust myself and, what I believed. 

I tried to explain to John Butterfield, who I am still married to, what was being said and, done to me from the beginning but, he didn't believe me and, didn't care. When he came back from "prison" he had made all kinds of promises to help me and, all he did was make fun of me and, lie to me so badly that I can't take anymore. The abuse he pushed onto me, while most of these people tell me it's what I deserve or scream "how does it feel to be gaslit in person?" it has all done so much damage. John and, my brother were thick as theives when he came back and, when I asked him how that was possible since they had never met, John said Michael was there the thanksgiving before we got married. When I said no he wasn't, John then said well why did you say he was then? To avoid fights I have to apologize and, listen to him tell me how crazy I am. Listen to him tell me how I belong in a padded room and, call me Looney Bin Jen. 

There have been very few people that have admitted to being able to hear any of this and, when I went back to them for help, they suddenly didn't know anything. 

The things that I am told were done to me during the month of August 2021 and, several other times are terrifying. To be told that I was raped by someone with AIDS and, not understand anything that is happening has made me realize there is no way to survive. 

I have asked but, I get told this is all fake or, that nobody can hear me or, see me. I can't understand what I have ever done to anyone for something so horrific to be done to me. To this day if I ask my mom or, John or, anyone else I have asked, they all still pretend to know nothing. People recognize me by name outside but, still nobody knows anything. I wish someone had believed me. 

I have decided, based on the fact that I keep telling the truth and, people keep blaming me and, hating me, it is time to give up.

I am sorry that I can't handle the stress, humiliation and, depression any longer. I can't get people to talk to me and, with my own mother lying to me and, so many people protecting rapists and, murderers, I can't take it anymore. They continue to blame me for the things they keep doing and, I feel so destroyed. I have no future. No hope. Nobody who I can tell about any of this. For whatever reason, nobody believes me. 

They just tell me it's all in my head. I can't take it anymore. I just keep doing whatever will piss people off. I stopped talking and, THINKING for the most part yet, I still get told that I said things I did not. 

I lost someone I love and, I am sick of being told how I keep telling others that I love them. I don't but, it doesn't matter anymore. I can't get enough people to believe that I am being TORTURED. They think it's funny but, it's the truth. Somehow, it's my fault they can't be stopped.

Most of the time they tell me how much fun they are having and, how it's my drug use that makes it so they can't be stopped.

I do not know if anything they have told me, especially from August 2021 and, the other dates is real. I live in a world where it could be real or, it could be fake. I thought they were doing everything they could to keep me away from people that they have also hurt. People that could have helped me. Now, after hearing how they never cared about me and, many other hurtful things, maybe nobody actually wants me around and, they are just fucking with my head. I hear someone love me one minute and, hate me the next.

They keep telling me it's supposed to be hard. Hard to stop them. Hard to get people to believe me. Everything has to be so difficult. Life wasn't so difficult before I started hearing them. I just can't take anymore. I am sorry. I can't understand anything. I have no idea why so many people hate me. Why didn't anyone believe me? I HAVE ZERO MEMORY of so many things they tell me that I am terrified. John, came here and, from what I have heard reenacted parts of me being raped and, told me he wanted to do things to me that had already been done. Nothing mattered though. It didn't do anything but, hurt me worse.

I have lost too many people to want to keep trying. Even my parents don't believe me. I miss my life. I miss my kids. I can't understand how any of this is my fault. I have told the truth, I have said what they demand, I have given into their demands but, nothing is ever good enough. I have no strength left and, no desire to live. What would be the point of surviving? To continue to be forced to listen to people lie to me and, not believe me?  To be told over and, over and over how I lost people I love. To not have people who understand I DO NOT REMEMBER THEM OR, SOME THINGS THEY SAY HAPPENED.

It's like as long as they can keep hurting me, that's all that matters. I feel stupid for trusting anyone. I can't risk trusting or, letting my guard down anymore. 

I went to someone who I know can hear all of this. I tried to talk to her about being raped and, the things I was being told. If course she didn't know anything. I heard her right after that tell someone that she told me she couldn't hear anything just like he told her too and, later found out that she was there when I was raped.

John's mother actually tried to file rape charges against me on behalf of of that woman! 

When I came here to stay with my brother I tried to tell him what was being done to me. I even asked him to please ask his friends in case they had heard of something like this. That is how stupid I am. 

I can't continue to relive all of this. If I try to tell anyone what is being done, they say they thought I wanted them to do it and, they just do it all again.  Now that John is back in jail and, looking at prison time, I fully expect to be drugged and, go through all of that again! 

I am not going to try anymore. It doesn't matter anyways. I have to give up, I can't take anymore. I am sorry that I wasn't stronger than my abusers. I am no longer stronger than the abuse. I am too hurt. Too sick of losing hope. Too sick of listening to them blame me. Too sick of hearing people I loved and, respected tell me they hope it hurt.

I am not meant to be alive. In fact, they have told me I wasn't supposed to live this long! I wish I hadn't lived this long. I wish I had checked out much earlier. Rather than believe that people still cared or, could be in love with something like me. It would have been much less painful.

I know it's super fun to tell me how nobody wants that when they talk about me. I am just that thing that nobody wants around. Over three years ago they told me my new name was "It" and, that's whT everyone should call me. I am so sick and, tired of not feeling like a person anymore. They treat me like a toy, a puppet for them to control. I do what I am told but, they change their minds or, I don't do it good enough. 

I am sick of. believing that anyone gives a shit. People have pretended to care so later they can say I blamed them, when I did not and, treat me like shit while I cry and, beg for them not to go. I have no choice but to give up. I can't take this anymore. I have been told so many fucking times that nobody cares, they are just pretending, that listening to people I loved say I blamed them, it's time for me to give up.