You Weren't Raped You Wanted It!

Things like that get said to me all the time and, then people are surprised that I snap. OMG can you believe how mean that stupid bitch is?!

They have gotten away with everything they have done and, all I asked for was to be treated like I was a person too. Instead I get told that there are no humans involved. 

Everyone keeps getting mad at me and, I can't understand what the fuck is so bad about me that I am no longer a human being. 

Drugs. Always the same thing. Nobody can just sit down and, talk to me. Nobody can just look at me and, say this is what is happening and, this is what we need you to do. I wasn't worth the time that would take I guess. 

Instead I get bitched at 24/7 and, that doesn't make me feel like I can do anything. Then, as soon as I get up to try to get things done, I am never doing the right thing. Do this then, I start to do that and, it's the wrong thing. They are seriously horrible, terrible people but, I am the problem. Even my children write me off. What's the point?

I keep saying I am not going to kill myself and, they keep telling me to kill myself.

I believed I had value and, I thought others cared too. The problem is one minute someone says they care and, the next the same voice and, other voices tell me they don't. Since nobody wants to be around me or, the ones that used to, don't want to talk openly about whatever is going on, I can only believe so much. Obviously, the problem isn't with people who drug and, raped me, it's with me. I deserved it. They didn't rape me, I wanted it as much as my brother. 

Who cares how this has made me feel. It's all about how everyone else feels. I am just a worthless thing.

How am I supposed to be able to get off ff drugs when people have beat me down like this and, they won't stop. They won't stop until I am dead. I wasn't on drugs before but, oh well. I didn't smoke cigarettes before, I had quit. I smoked weed. Not that anything I try to do matters. It's all about their effort. My efforts don't count. 

No matter how kind I am, it isn't enough. No matter how hard I try, it isn't even noticed. It's all about what I didn't do or, every bad thing I have done in the past. The guilt for things that I should have been able to get past or, things I didn't do at all is killing me.

The stress and, misery from not dying in my sleep is already enough to kill me. 

My mom tells me she doesn't know anything, then proved she does. My own mom hates me so much that she couldn't even talk to me. She listens to people who have been trying to kill me. How is any of this helping? You want me off drugs but, prove that what you really want is for me to die! 

I miss being a person. I miss having people around me. I miss being happy. Most of all I miss being a mom. I love my kids and, I don't know how to survive anymore. I don't want to die. I just can't live like this. Somehow, everything I do, no matter if I do it there way or not, is wrong. Everything about me is always wrong.

What's the point of anything? 

I got married to a man I loved. All the happened was I got attacked and, they used my love for my family to hurt me. I fell out of love. Recently I thought that I had heard from someone who was everything, seriously everything a woman could want and, nothing was what I thought it was.

How can anyone say such nice things then, immediately turn and, become the world's biggest asshole? Plus,he got married at some point I guess. At least half the time he is married, the other half he isn't. I don't get it. Someone else has been there too but, I constantly hear him say how he isn't interested because, of something from the past and, how I keep flaking off on his family. I keep trying. His family are like family to me. I didn't want to lose my best friends because, I can't do anything good enough and, all I feel is shame about the piece of shit that I am. 

I don't understand why Angela felt John strung her along so, that's whSt I have to feel. Everything Angela felt, I have to pay for. Since she is the kind of person that everything upsets her, I am going to lay forever. I try to do the right thing. I'm not perfect.

I can't take anymore. I don't know how the fuck I am going to get a job. They are showing this to everyone they can. Plus, I feel like a complete failure. Why would anyone want to hire me? I can't stay focused and, I am sure that part of that is in so depressed I can barely breathe. I am not sure how to pick myself up anymore. I am not supposed to ask for help, even though I do. Angela said nobody helped her and,people helped me too much so, no help for me. I know people have helped but, they pay a high price. Why doesn't anyone talk about this? How can you expect change when you keep hiding it?

There is no way that I am the only person this has been done to. They have perfected this. They have no fear of being caught. How many people have been raped, falsely imprisoned, murdered? All of this is placed on my shoulders. It's my fault they can't be stopped. Everything is my fault.

They fuck with my head so God damn bad that I don't know what is real anymore. I don't know what to believe. It's like I am alive but, dead at the same time. Everything feels fake. Nothing is real anymore. Drugs though, right?! Nobody can just be honest! They just keep telling me I am a liar. Ok, then. 

My kids are the best part of my life. I wasn't a perfect mom but, I am not the worst either. I made mistakes. I don't know the perfect parent. Now though, I get told I was only a good parent because, someone else took over. Nothing good that I have ever done is me, it's always someone else.