What Was Real

I fell in love with someone. Head over heals in love. 

That person, I have been told, not only raped me viciously, using a broom handle but, they also "did what I asked them to." Which I am told was to molest my daughter in front of me. No matter how much I defended this person, almost every voice told me the same thing 

They have said so many horrific things and, without help to know what was true and what wasn't all I could do was keep defending while I get driven insane. 

I have no clue what to believe anymore. I got written off by everyone without being given the chance to defend myself. People believed whatever they heard and, I wasn't able to know everything I was accused of. It seemed like there were people who knew I have been telling the truth. People who tried to spread what I was actually saying vs. What people were hearing. I know they have done that to me. What I hear isn't always what is being said. I just couldn't get anyone to openly talk to me and, after all this time and, the horrific things I have been told, I became afraid to seek people out.

I have lost all hope for a future. I know I wiling he able to ever understand why this has been allowed to continue for so long. I won't ever be able to understand which parts of what I have heard were real and, what was just more people fucking with my head. 

I remember I used to lay on the floor begging for people to talk to me in person. "Is someone else there? Can someone talk to me in person or, is this just Angela fucking with my head more?!" Sometimes, it sounds like there are people that understand how bad this is getting and, other times, there is nobody. 

I get called a liar a lot and, I have told the truth. I guess it is difficult to imagine that I have no memory of what seems to be the end of July 2021 to the end of August 2021. Just small clips here and, there. I have already said what little I remember and, it is starting to cause me so much anxiety that, I am at a loss as to what to do 

"Get off drugs!" Yet, they do everything they can to hurt me worse when I do. I was doing decent this time. Able to stop smoking cigarettes, one pack lasted four days and, I was able to stop using. The problem becomes how they will do everything possible to make me not believe in myself. There is no positive reinforcement, only negativity and, drama. Only belittlement and, harassment. Any effort I put into anything is wasted. If I fail, which I will, it will be pointed out as often as possible. If I don't fail, I don't know, that has never happened.

They take every single thing that can be seen as a flaw and, throw it in my face as often as possible. They say that they have to do this so that people don't forget who I really am and, shit like that. They use my voice and, then I get a cursed of terrible things.

What I am being told the lady few days, I guess I should have expected. It's not like they are ever going to stop and, nobody seems to be able to understand that this is not ever going to be what helps me in any way, shape or, form. How does telling me that I asked someone to molest my daughter while I watched help me get off drugs? Especially when I have nobody I can talk to about this. The things they accuse me of and, throw in my face non stop, it's designed to help me fail. What kind of people want someone to fail like this? 

Things from when I was a child get thrown into the mix. I get made fun of for everything. Without anyone who is willing to do something as simple as just give me a hug or, tell me they can see i am trying, how does anyone rise above? How does anyone find strength when all you are told is how weak you are? 

What is the point of trying? They demand rehab. Why bother, I'm not a person anymore. 

It's everything, no relief in sight. I can't get anything but, shitty ass attitude most of the time from the core people in this group. They get off on hurting me. You can hear it in their voices, it makes them happy when I am hurt. The worse I am hurt, the happier they are. I can't even ask them to repeat something, I just get told "you heard what I said!" No, that's why I asked but, it's fine. "I hope that hurt!" Sure thing. After four years of this bullshit, I said something to Tracy and told her I hope it hurt! Suddenly, I am told that I said that to my daughter when I was watching her be molested! Whatever. It just sucks that I get told that all the time now. "How does that feel?" After things that hurt so bad it takes your breath away. I even asked John once, why doesn't anyone say "you look lovely today. How does that feel?" It's only after horrible things they love to rub the pain in. 

I can't believe in myself. That isn't allowed. I barely look in the mirror anymore. I can't stand how I look. All I see is what they have pointed out for so long. If I see anything good or, try to compliment myself, it only gets me made fun of more.

I hear nice things, rarely but, they are there. It's just the same voice will then tear me down and, I am so depressed that, I am done fighting. I don't even know who I am fighting anymore. For my own family to have participated in making me feel like I am worthless and, can't do anything right, it only adds salt to the wound.

I have tried. I hate snapping and, losing my temper. I hate insulting these people and, I don't really even do that much anymore. I ask for help, get lied to and, just kept trying to hold on to some form of sanity. I tried to be kind and, I was never kind enough. I am so sick of being lied to and, sometimes it is straight to my face then, called a liar that I don't even want to talk anymore. I have done nothing and, I am sick of being blamed.

I can't beg for help anymore. I can't handle the things I have been told that have been done to me and, my children. I can't trust anybody then, they tell me unsound paranoid. They have tortured me and, then blamed me for it all. How is what a group of domestic terrorists who, I am told, have put me on the Internet and, God knows where else, how is this my fault?

Today is the final straw. I am done trying. It's always my fault. I am being harassed to death, can't even take a shower without people watching but, I am going to prison. They will get the death penalty if caught but, I am going to prison.

How hard would it have been to allow people to be in my life? To hear positive reinforcement instead of being hear down all the time? To be told the truth instead of hearing that nobody knows anything? They hurt me so badly I do not remember a lot of things I am told we're done. They kept me drugged and, did unspeakable things. They know I can't remember most of the things that have been done to me. I'm going to prison though. It's not the fact they tortured me that was the problem, just how I reacted to it!

They tell me when I don't get my way I throw a fit but, they aren't getting their way so I am going to be arrested! What exactly did I ask for? To be treated like a person? To stop hurting me then, telling me I did this to myself?! To help me understand what was going on? Too much to ask for, to be treated like a person. They have even told me it isn't a big deal since there are no humans involved! Just this pathetic, fat, ugly, whore. Just this nobody.

I am sorry that I joked and, flirted with someone. I get told I flirted with everyone but, I wasnt flirting. I would listen, laugh sometimes, joke once in a while. I am told it was not a good thing since these people hurt me. I don't remember being raped and, I don't remember a lot of the other things I have been told were done. To me, I was just being myself, guarded but, I don't talk dirty to people or, say anything that can be considered vulgar or, usually rude, I didn't think it was a problem. Since in a great while, I will pop off with a joke but, it is usually pretty mild and, understated. Nothing vulgar or, anything like they have accused me of. I just wasn't that open about some things. 

In the end, I couldn't fight anymore. I have given up. I tried and, I can't try anymore. Even if people rallied around me now, it would be too late. I have been hurt too badly, accused of too many things, lied to so much nothing seems real anymore. I have nothing left to look forward to. I know life will only result in more pain. I know that anyone who I get close to will either be hurt or, hurt me. 

I miss being alive. I miss feeling like a person. I miss my kids and, I am sick of being hurt. I am so hurt that I can't try anymore. So hurt that I can't care anymore. I am sorry that people didn't believe me or, that they gave up on me. I gave up on me too