Torture

I am not the only person that they have done this to. That I already know. I don't know why so many people have left me in a situation where I have no clue what is going on, other than what I hear and, there is no way to know if any of it is real.

Who forced someone to listen to reactions of others. I have no idea what is being shown about me, other than what I hear. In person, nobody knows anything. Since nobody knows anything, I live in this place that I don't know if anything that I am told happened actually did.

I do know, because I remember that my brother gave me a drink that was riofied. They kidnapped me and, broke my nose. Since nobody believes me and, for a while I thought maybe the combination of alcohol and sleeping pills I took to die so I could get away from the abuse that everyone denys omin person, made me hallucinate. Later, someone showed me an arrest report that showed something that made me realize that I truly was riofied by my own brother. If it wasn't for the little things people have done and, the big things that someone did, I wouldn't be here now.

The bruising on my nose was older than just the day before. So, I guess when they have told me recently that I was kept drugged for at least two and a half weeks, that is probably true. Which explains why I didn't know that I was viciously raped. A broom handle shoved into my vagina. A plastic bag out on my head so I could "play astronaut," my dog used to abuse me. Things John Butterfield has said I told him, even though he is the one that told me. Things he has reenacted since he came back from "prison."

11 months after I was slipped the riofied drink, someone started badgering me, terrorizing me, "you were raped!" Over and, over and, over. I heard a few people talking about someone being raped but, I had no idea it was me. "Sorel raped you!" Who the fuck is Sorel?! I heard my brother saying "don't have sex on my bed again." Since nobody talks out loud when they say these things (the benefit of what they are saying is a satellite attack) and, I never had sex with Sorel or on my brother bed or, anywhere near his room, I didn't think they were talking about me. 

Now, I get told that John M. Butterfield drugged me after he came back from "prison" and, my brother let people into this apartment to hurt me more. I hear they have recordings of this. I hear people reacting to this, laughing, telling me that I am the problem. I am told I have had sex with a lot of people but, I have no memory of any of it. Whatever they drugged me with though, I am told that it was something I wanted. "You wanted it as much as your brother did!" My children have seen these recordings. I have been forced to listen to them react as well. I hear my own daughter saying "isn't that your brother?" I am humiliated. Hurt beyond what anyone should be forced to handle

I sit here and, listen to people's reactions and, then they tell me that I am a liar. Really?! An hour ago I was told Tracy was racking her brain trying to find something I lied about. "Do you ever lie?!" Now, once again I am a liar. I am dillusional. I amç to abusive. Everything is blamed on me once again!

I am one person. They are a group of people. It's better to make sure nobody believes me, make sure I am as discredited as humanly possible so, they can get away with what they have done.

All the things I have survived through, when I tried to tell people what was being done to me, they just used that as an excuse to do it again. "You wanted us to do that to you or, you wouldn't have said anything?" Now, they are terrorizing me again, with the same bullshit, this time though they are saying that I did these things. Imagine being tortured then arrested for the things that THEY DID TO YOU! Just like they told me, I really was the perfect victim.

I have my wedding ring back to John more than once. It fell off my finger and, disappeared too. John, as always, never knows anything. He still tells at me, telling me I lost ilthe ring. Now, I hear my daughter yelling, at least it sounds like her, it is your ring. They molested my daughter and, another child wearing my wedding ring. Everything they did to me and, my children I am taking the blame for! 

I was just told I should thank my brother for not kicking me out! He won't have to kick me out. There won't be an issue there. I am not going to wait on him hand and, foot. I am not going to have his meals ready for him or, anything else. When I first came to stay with my brother I told him what was happening to me. Asked him to ask his friends and, see if they have ever heard of anything like this. See if someone could help me! I am the stupidest bitch in the world. 

It's been five years and, every fucking day is worse than the one before. I am lied to by so many people and, too many people believe the worst things about me. My own mother, I am told, believes all of the fucked up things that people trying to kill me have told her. I can't ask her though, when I do, she tells me she doesn't know anything and, can't help me. I can't handle this anymore.

Tracy Butterfield and, the rest of these fucked up people can miss my fucking ass. I will never, ever be able to recover from the trauma and, they keep telling me I am faking it. They set me up good and,I no longer have the strength to handle any of this. How dare that fucking cunt ass bitch say that I have been trying to set her old ass up for years. What a fucking horrible human being. That is so fucking untrue that I can't believe those words would come out of her fucking mouth. What a bitch. My daughter said, when I asked if anyone touched her in the pantry area, LIKE I WAS TOLD TO, Grandma Tracy. Now, that bitch is saying that I have been blaming her for years. The fuck I have! I can't believe this bullshit.

I have tried like hell to do what I could to protect my children. There wasn't a way for me to protect myself from any of this. How could I protect them. How could I "rescue my husband" when I couldn't do anything but, be murdered. 

How stupid of me to have hoped for anyone to believe anything I fucking say. Nope. I just get made fun of and, blamed. I lost everyone I love. Everyone hates me l. I hear them every fucking day tell me how much they hate me. Just now I heard someone's mother say that someone doesn't live me that I did this to them because they don't date white women. Ok then. I guess everything has been my fault. I feel guilty for being born. If I hadn't been born they wouldn't have had to do this! I am never going to be able to understand why everyone hates me so much. 

I am sick of being made fun of. That much is for sure. It's one thing to make fun of someone if there is some kind of love or, it comes from a good place. That I have always been able to handle that. I cangivenasngood as I can take there. It's when I am told truly fucked up things then they yell HOW DOES THAT FEEL? Ummmmm, like you are a crazy bitch. It hurts duh. You know it hurts or you wouldn't ask. 

My daughter, if what I am hearing is true, was molested. Does anyone understand that for five years I have had to listen to people tell me my daughter was molested. Five years and, there was nothing I could do about it. Hearing someone say that they left something inside of my daughter so she will not be able to have children of her own! "Jennifer, what are you going to tell your daughter when she finds out she can't have kids of her own?!" What can I tell her? How do I explain the attack that they have survived. 

I know something is very wrong with me. That much has become clear. I keep hearing "Jennifer has told the truth!" Sometimes "Jennifer has told the truth about everything!" Yet, I continue to be called a liar. Since nobody could talk to me in person about this, I am too afraid at this point to approach people about this and, with so much wrong with me nobody was able to approach me without me becoming afraid and, running away in tears before wlthsy had a chance. I am very sad to hear that there are so few people who believed me. Even worse, you could have turned me in if you felt I did something. Instead, you torture the fuck out of me because John married me. You were simply "compiling reports for CPS and, whispering to COS AND THE POLICE" Very little was said about my children. It was primarily about Angela getting John back and, how hated I was. I was Angela's "arch nemesis." Now it is a personal attack. Everything about me is disgusting, worthless and, I am told I did things to my children and, other children that I didn't do.

John swears I sent him to prison so, now, he and his mother and whoever else demand I get arrested. Do whatever you want. Since I am told one thing this way, then the opposite in the same voice I am not sure what to believe and, there is nobody to ask I have asked so many people and nobody knows anything. What I am told could be true or, it could be a lie. Half the time this is all true according to them and, then it's all fake. 

I am told that this is my fault. If I had gotten off drugs maybe someone could have helped me. That is what I am told. "Aren't you happy you are a drug addict now?" shit like that. You didn't have to kill me. 

"You weren't raped. Say you weren't raped and I will come fuck you right now." Is that what you think this is about? That I want someone to come fuck me?! Why tell me I was raped if I wasn't? I didn't know I was raped. I didn't know anything but that I was terrorized, kidnapped and, my nose was broken. Since nobody believed me except these voices, who as far as I can tell are the same people terrorizing me, otherwise why not be around someone? It would have saved my life. It would have made me believe that there was someone who cared besides Mike and, Candy who I am constantly told are not my friends. You were wrong there but, that always fell in dead ears. It gets old to visit friends and, be told not to sit on the couch because it is someone's bed. John would ask me to go over there then, tear me apart and accuse me of cheating on him when I did! He still accuses me of cheating on him. I have not once touched another man, my brother has hugged me, since John has been back from prison. NOT ONE TIME. Yet, you say you have proof that I have. Then why taunt me with it. Why force me to listen to people react with laughter over my body or the face someone is making when they are fucking me instead of turning them in? Why didn't anyone care when I am telling you I DO NOT REMEMBER. I ask my mom, she says she doesn't know anything then, this way tells me I was raped! How could that help? Was I raped? If you have evidence I fucked any of these men, including the mani stay with who is my BROTHER, then, yes I was raped. I don't care what you say it looked like. I am telling you I have no memory of any of this. I am being accused and, made fun of for being raped. I guess that is acceptable to people because, I am on drugs. I am not using date rape drugs, heroin, molly or anything else. One drug. It is the only illegal thing I do. I have shoplifted and, I did that a lot for a while. I am not perfect but, I didn't deserve to be murdered. 

These people have done so much damage to my life. Not just psychological, physical as well. AGAIN, IT DOES NO GOOD TO TALK TO ME USING THOS FORM OF COMMUNICATION. NOT ONLY DOES IT FRIGHTEN ME AND, MAKE KE FEEL LIKE I AM NOT WORTH TALKING TO, ONLY AT. IT ALSO MAKES KE FEEL LIKE I AM NOT A PERSON. They are in complete control. They turn things up or, down, change words and names and, the sound and, rhythm of people's voices. I sometimes can guess at who I am talking to. Usually that tell me things, using the same method as they are able to remove free will, and then people believe I know a lot more about this than I actually do.

I am told my Uncle shoved a broom handle into my vagina when I was raped. That they were here when it all happened and, I have heard my uncle crying saying he should have stopped this and, now I may have HIV (which I do not ) then, I get told it was someone else. When they tell me it was someone else, I am told that there is evidence that it was not someone else but, that my uncle collected the evidence. I am also told that the accused person has an aliby. 

I heard my uncle's this way from the beginning. I know I was probably raped. They have admitted to keeping me drugged forbat least two and a half weeks. I heard someone say "maybe that was when she was in the hospital?" When was I in the hospital? I have gone to the ER a few times but, I have not been admitted into the hospital ever, except to have my children. When was I in the hospital? Is that why John wanted to get rid of my bed? Candy had an adjusting bed for a while but, that was well after this happened. I am not trying to blame or, insult anyone, I am trying to figure out what the fuck is going on and, why they can't be stopped. 

"You haven't caught anyone new since the rape." I am going to go out on a limb and, say that comment was about me being raped. 

Then, this morning, what the fuck kind of sick bullshit was that. Pretending someone I care about was taken and, tortured. Acting like there is some big dangerous threat to my life because these people say they have other technology that they definitely should never have had access to. Telling me that each person that I can somehow mimic their movements without seeing them or, they say they can do some trick that makes it seem like I can feel people sometimes or, sometimes they can feel me. It definitely feels real. A dog, not mine, laying on my legs. Someone touching my leg with both hands and, rubbing my kids names on my leg with their thumbs. Feeling someones breath on my face when nobody is there. Breath warmer than the air around me. there are times when my body, mainly my limbs and fingers, move without me moving them. They monitor my brain waves and, everything else, I hear them reacting so I know I am not as nuts as I sounds. I heard they have some kind of program so my behavior sometimes changes based on who is logged in. That could be true since sometimes I can feel my jaw slightly move or, I sound slightly different, small things like that. It wouldnt surprise me. Angela changes everything about who she is based on the man she wants. "So they have something in common." Since everything I or, anyone else says that pisses her off also has to be proven true about me, I think because she did this to so many people using my name and, voice and her traits were obvious so, I have to be proven a liar about who I am. My loved ones spent all this time trying to prove that I am not who I say I am. I have to be wrong about everything and, Angela has to be right about everything. As if being wrong is the worst thing ever. 

I am not sorry that I fell in love with someone. Head over heels in love with them. I will never be sorry for that. I have been told some fucked up things about people and, I don't believe a lot of it. Some of it I do. I do not care. Period. If it happened or, if it didn't I still love this person and, even though you tell me all the time that he doesn't love me, I also do not believe that. I know it is probably strange. It just doesn't make a difference to me. I love him. You don't have to believe or, accept. Just keep it to yourself. You all have said what you have to say. It's all been noted. I do not believe that he did a lot of the things you say he did. If he did then, there is nothing I can do. We have to learn to love and let things go. A