This Is The Worst I Have Ever Felt About Myself

I get picked on all day and, night. Not just by these voices that rip me apart from top to bottom but, to get it from John too. Up close and, personal. He swore he wouldn't fat shame kenor, tear my body apart. I already can't get naked in front of him and, am starting to be paranoid to take a shower. I am so sick of feeling like this. I have never in my life hated myself more than o do now. 

He gets upset at me for being supportive to him but, when I need him he makes fun of me and laughs at me. He doesn't care. It's all about him. As long as he can hurt me that's all that matters.  As long as all these people can tear me down until I feel like less than garbage, that's all they give a flying fuck about. 

He gets mad at me for not wanting to have sex with him but, when we have sex he tortured me. He will say how my head should be in someone else's body. Make fun of how I look. God forbid I smell at all. I have to bathe before I can even have sex. The worst thing he could ever do to me is go down on me. That makes me cry every single time. I taste terrible and, I have to listen to him telling other people that. He will cross my legs and hold them in front of my face and, he rarely ever looks at me. It is beyond humiliating. I am too ugly for anyone to want to look at and, I have heard it for over five years. 

I get so hurt when they use my kids to hurt me. We were expecting a call from my daughter tonight but, he could care less. Here I am like a dumb bitch trying my hardest to get along with him while these people belittle me for everything under the sun. "He thinks he is done with you" "who finger fucked your daughter?" Then he will nod or, point at me. What's she taste like? What's she smell like? Everything is always negative. Always. There is nothing good about me and, I am already fully aware of it.

I get beat down so fucking much that, when I get a compliment, I know it's a lie. I know nobody gives a flying fuck about me. I know I am too disgusting for anyone to give a flying fuck about. 

I try but, there is little to no positivity. There is no point, I don't feel like I will ever be good enough. I know I am a failure. I know it all the way to the bone. I never thought others could beat anyone down this low. 

I am never going to be good enough. Each time I start to think of, I got this, something happens and, I get even more down than before. It is to the point I mostly want to stay in bed. I want to sleep the rest of my life away. I want to die more than anyone can imagine. What's the point? I am sick of feeling like this.

Why say all these demoralizing and, demeaning things? "He fucked a bitch while you were in the shower." Then I look for my pants, which are gone and, I am told she took them. Apparently, he stole them, at least that is what I hear.

Five years of hearing that he is cheating on me finally made me understand that he doesn't love me. He even had a fucking affair the night before we got married. Every God damn day I am too disgusting to want to have sex with and, the way he treats me during sex proves it. They even took a poll, nobody would ever be faithful to me. I am that pathetic.

The saddest part is I truly loved him at one point and, for him to lie to me about all of this while I am told you can live if you never talk to your children again is disgusting. If you don't offer little Johnny