This Is Horrifying

I am so hurt that my life only matters if I am perfect. If I can just shake off the things that have been done.

If I say I am a drug addict for any other reason than I made a bad choice, PUNISHMENT. 

If I try to say what has been done to me, the things I know about anyways, THEY JUST DO IT AGAIN! They tell me that they thought I was telling them that is shT I wanted them to do to me! They must know that has already been done. It was made clear that everyone but me knew the plan and, approved of it!  I am not sure that is completely accurate but, it hurts just the same.

They have tested my memory over and, over. I remember pretty much as much as a normal person does, except for the times in question but, I get told nobody can help me because, I won't "play ball!" In fact, they flat out told me that if I don't do what they demand, I will never know what happened to me!

It is very clear the goal is for me to lose everyone. The stress is killing me. I am sure my blood pressure is sky high and, I can't handle it. I am pretty sure that I am not going to be able to be with the man that I love because, I keep turning to cigarettes and, drugs to cope. I tried drawing a little while ago and, that turned into some weird drama when all I wanted to do was try to draw how I was feeling. 

I keep being told that I have to lose people because, I cost John Butterfield ......... 

This whole thing blows. 

I keep being told that I am the problem. That I become too aggressive or, abusive when that isn't at all who I am. John has fucked my head up so badly that I can honestly say "gaslighting" is by far the worst thing anyone can do to another person! They told me in the beginning that John would be my reality and, I would stay with him even though he would cheat and, whatever else. They were pretty adamant, he was going to cheat with Angela! It made no sense but, at least I am not going to be with John anymore.

I feel bad for Angela. I don't know if she is still doing this or, not but, I am not sure if they realize how silly this whole thing sounds when I think about everything that was said about her. 

For me, it sucks beyond sucks. I am hurt, badly hurt.

They tell me that I have to forget about being raped, just take one for the team.  

I haven't touched another person, at all yet, clearly I am having some kind of problem again. Plus, I am becoming afraid of everything and, I don't know what to do.

They tell me terrible things about my son and his dad, even though I ask my mom and, try to call him, it is frightening. They tell me all kinds of terrible things. It hurts, badly hurts. It makes me question myself. Why people would do things so shitty and, when I ask most people, they act like they don't have a clue what is going on. 

I needed help. I know they tell me to get therapy but, I didn't even know what I needed to tell a therapist! I truly have blanks where serious, serious things should be! 

They tell me I am lazy. How I am too fat for the man I love. How he isn't attracted to me when I take my clothes off! It has been that way for five plus years, I am always too fat and, ugly! I always smell too. It is humiliating to go outside and, hear people talk about it I smell or, not. A couple of times I heard I smell like rainbows and, that was nice. Mostly I hear really messed up things. Self esteem was forbidden! I was too cocky for someone so fat!

For the longest time they would tell me to trust my instincts then, do everything they could to prove my instincts were way off. My instincts apparently were wrong about everything! Now, it is difficult sometimes to trust my instincts. I keep trying.

Sometimes, it takes me a few minutes to believe or, not believe something I am told. I am afraid to think about any of this, they usually punish me if I think about any of this. I guess I am supposed to keep it all a secret! Keep it all inside, no talking, no thinking which, I am told is the same as talking anyways.

I am so tired of being made fun of and, any time I start to get my life back together, even just the hint of it, things go haywire. A lot of the time they end up getting worse instead of better and, then it is a little bit harder to get back in track again! I know I am going to be hurt for trying and, it is making things even worse.

Sometimes, I listen to them have a whole conversation with me only, I am not a part of it. They keep pretending to be me and, I don't really know how to make them stop. I worry that people, especially my kids, believe that it is me. I already heard how all I do is chase these guys and, that's all I worry about! I am sure it probably sounds or, looks that way but, it isn't like that. They enjoy trying to get me to say I love this person or, that person and, like today I said nothing yet, I am still told I did!

I am failing my kids. Failing myself. I am afraid to do what I need to do so I don't appear to be a fat, lazy, slob. It ends the same way it did today somehow, if I start to get my life in order, it is a problem! I don't understand. Why is getting my life back and issue? Isn't that a good thing? It makes no sense!

It's a catch 22 at this point. They want me off drugs and, since I didn't smoke cigarettes either when I met John it is easier to prove they didn't hurt me if I can quit. However, if I can get my life back then, I stand a chance of getting my kids back and, they have made it clear they don't want that either. I don't want to let my daughter be unsupervised around people who have done this to me. They admit they are trying to kill me, why would I want her around people who I can hear lying and, doing everything they can to prevent my life from moving forward? 

I wish people had felt comfortable talking to me and, being around me in person. I am not a bad person. I try to do my best and, I genuinely care about people. I am kind and, it just hurts. I feel like there is something wrong with me and, there isn't.