There Is Nothing That Is Me

I don't know what to do anymore. Everything in my life is something someone else takes credit for. Something that someone else did for me or, chose for me. 

They say these things so casually. Everything I believed I was is gone. Everything about myself, isn't me. I am a stranger in my own life! Every accomplishment someone else did for me. I have no way of understanding why this has been allowed to continue. 

I knew that Angela and, Tracy have done this to me for a very long time but, now it is clear that others have done the same thing. When I find out that there were several more than just those two, more people walk away from me. How is this something that would make more people walk away from me? I didn't do anything to them. 

I am already afraid to seek people out. I have been lied to so badly about who people are that I am still finding out things that I thought was something from one person's life is actuallyx about someone else. For people to blame me and, walk out of my life hurts so badly. o

Why can't anyone try to understand what this "gaslighting" as they have called this, has done to a human life? 

Instead, I get made fun of. I asked for help. People tell me they don't hear any of this, that they don't know anything. Even my own mother. Then, I hear her. She doesn't know anything but, then tells me I was raped but, she tells me using the same method of communication as the people that terrorized me. So, she obviously knows something.

I didn't know I was raped. They drugged me and, I hear that it was so traumatic that it's a good thing I don't remember it. I have heard that they kepte drugged for almost the entire month of August 2021! Since nobody wants to be in trouble for the things they have done to me, they just keep lying to me instead of talking to me. Instead of helping me recover from this, they just keep covering it up.

I don't know who attacked me, who helped me. I have been told things but, it's just bits and, pieces. I am told that someone I love, someone I love a lot, hurt me more than anyone else. How can that be true? I have heard there is a recording of the entire thing. Which I am sure is true since my life has been recorded from what I hear.  Yet, I have never been allowed to see anything.

It benefits everyone else if I don't know anything. The things that were done to me and, are still being done to me are so horrific that there is no way to survive. I would need to much help. How could I trust myself? How can I believe that I am making my own decisions and, learning how to be me when they will never stop. They can't be caught so, there will never be a way to survive. 

I don't know what to believe. I am told all of these things the same way that I have been terrorized. I have nobody around me who has let me talk to them about all of this. Even people who have proven they can hear this or, know something about this. I have gone back to those people, three people and, they have denied knowing anything. I tried to believe that this could be stopped. It can't. I tried to understand why so few people and, less and, less all the time, want to be around me. Now I know.

I get made fun of for being a drug addict. Told it's my fault they drugged me the way they did or, it's my fault that they are getting away with all of this. It's my fault for choosing to be a drug addict! I don't know what to believe. I can't trust my own mother. I am scared to death, made fun of constantly, afraid to seek people out since hearing voices isnt a good thing and, every person I have asked tells me they don't know anything. Even someone who gave me evidence, when I went to them asking for help, telling them I felt like I was losing touch with reality, they didn't know anything! 

I have been lied to too much. Lied to with no way to verify what I hear. One minute someone loves me, the next they were hired to kill me. I am told the wrong names and, they say "good luck meeting people. Someone you think is your friend might want to kill you!" How would I know? I couldn't know since they keep using each other's names. If I learn how to do this, like they demand, I will lose my life anyways. They used my name and, my voice for so long that I would just be accused of doing this to people and, there would be no way to prove anything since they have set me up for so fucking long. 

One minute I believe that someone loves me and, wants me in their life.  Someone wants to help me. The next I am told, same person, same voice, that it isn't real. That this same person is married or, on a relationship and, is only saying these things to get away with things they or, someone they do love did to me. That none of it is real and, I don't understand. How do I know which thing is true? How do I know if you want me to die or, if you want me to live?! How can I "trust my instincts" when so many people whisper to me so they can get what they want? How do I know who I can trust?

Each time I learn to trust someone, they end up hating me. I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE. I don't know how hard it is to understand, I can't see any of you and, I don't know why people can see me. I didn't put myself anywhere for people to watch. 

I am not my family. My parents, who obviously know a lot more than nothing, kept us away from all of this. Until I started hearing them a little over five years ago, I had no idea people did this. Now, they say the only way to help me is to have me arrested. I guess just sitting me down and, talking to me like I was a God damn mother fucking human being was too fucking much to fucking hope for. Too much to hope that I was a person too. 

"Do you know how crazy this sounds?!" ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THAT?! No shit Sherlock. That's why I am so afraid to approach people. I am afraid that they will hurt me or, pretend they don't know anything and, then I am just going to be more afraid since, my own mother tells me I am crazy! How can I believe anyone will ever believe me when my own mother tells me I am stupid and, crazy rather than just tell me the truth? 

"Nobody will ever believe you!" They tell me that, they used to tell me that a lot. Fuck, even John told me that out loud! Since nobody will ever believe me, what's the fucking point?!

I have done everything I can to forgive people for things that I don't even know if they actually did! I fell in love with someone based on the person I hear them to be when I know for sure it is them. What if I am wrong? What if I go and, I find them and, they weren't who I believed they were? With everyone I have asked denying everything, how do I know? One minute someone is telling me how much they love me. The next they are married or, tried to kill me or, any number of other things.

They keep telling me I knew. What did I know? What the fuck is going on? I am told a million things.one minute things are one way, the next, they are some other way. I DONT KNOW WHICH WAY OS REAL WITHOUT HELP! I am sorry. I just don't know what things I am told is the real thing. The same voice will tell me to go right then, yell at me for not going left! There is no way for me to know all the time. In fact, there isn't really a way for me to know ever. I had to learn to trust certain things that help me know when someone is who they say they are and, when they aren't. 

I don't exactly know these people. A lot of them are people who I met a time or two years ago or, someone that they thought I knew. A bother or a friend I had years ago that I never met. I don't know what most of them look like anymore. I don't know anything. I am so afraid of what has already been done to me or, what might have been done to me. Since I know for a fact they riofied me and, so many people have said that I was raped or, that they raped me or, put a plastic bag over my head or, things that are just as bad, I have no way of knowing for sure since some of my memories make no sense. They are disjointed, like a Picasso. They don't fit where they belong.

The worst part is hearing "oh he did!" I have heard that from more than one person. Why don't they love me now? Because I have been hurt too badly? Because I have told the truth? Because I have been tortured?! I don't know what to do. I am so afraid of not knowing what is going on that I have ran from people who wave at me or, smile at me in tears. I don't know what to believe anymore and, since it is me who has to approach people and, take a risk that could end with me being hurt more or, killed I am afraid. I am sorry. I am a chicken. I am sorry.

I can't handle the stress and, fear anymore. The blame is on me though. 100% nobody can or, will help me because I am a drug addict. I will only drag people down. So, that's how it is. Why think that I would be so grateful for even just a fucking hug when they start in on me so badly I can barely breath. Just a chance to be able to believe that I am still a person and that maybe someone out there believes I am nothing like the person they say I am.

Marrying John was the biggest mistake I could have made. I have been married three other times and, each time I thought I would just get divorced if things didn't go well. This was the first marriage where we talked about what we would do if things got bad. We talked about what we thought about divorce. At least I can leave knowing that I tried. I married someone who set me up, more than once. Someone who lied to me, makes fun of me and, has made me believe, for a long time I believed, if I just tried harder. If I just did things better. If I just did more. If I could just maintain myself, this would stop. I BELIEVED THAT THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT I CAUSED AND, THAT I JAD TO CHANGE TO MAKE IT STOP! I thought that because we had talked about what marriage meant to us and, because he treated my kids like they were his, that he loved me. Instead, he would tell me to take some time to myself. "Just go and, have some quiet time. Do something you love to do for yourself. I know you haven't had time to do that and, in here now, let me help you!" Only to find out that he would then text other women and, tell them he was BABYSITTING. I believed he couldn't hear any of this for a long time. That he didn't know what the fuck was going on. He loved me, I loved him, why wouldn't I believe him? I told him that his friend Angela was going this. Told him the people they said they were. He made fun of me, told me no way. One time he got angry and, yelled at me. "Why don't they use your families names?" I don't know. I don't give them names. I thought maybe it was because Angela didn't know my family. I sure as fuck never thought my family was part of this. I asked my Uncle, a couple of times. So did my mom. All he said was he had never heard of something like this and, that I needed to get therapy! It's always the same, I need to get therapy. Just like John told Angela.

"Angela, I love my wife. She is the love of my life and, the only woman I want to be with. I can't come to your rescue anymore. I have a family or my own now. If you want our friendship to continue, you need to get therapy." Every single one of those words I was punished for l. I was punished for him telling someone I was the nicest person he had ever been with. I was punished for him telling someone that he could talk to me about anything and, I would listen and, not get angry for whatever it was he said. Everything good I get punished for. How is that my fault? Then, to hear him making fun of me for saying that this is being done to me. Hearing him tell me it's just my psychic network and call my Looney bin Jenn or, listening to him repeat things that he wouldn't know about unless he could hear all of this, it hurts. He could have kept my kids together. He could have saved my sanity. He could have just been honest with me instead of proving that he never loved me and, is seriously psycho. At the same time, nobody else is safe for me to be around. If I spend time with the people who kept me safe when I stayed with them, I run the risk of them being hurt because of me and, me being hurt more. 

That is what they do. I thought maybe since they kept saying that they wanted me to move on from John they had stopped but, no they did not stop. I am not sure they got worse but, they definitely changed what they were doing 

"I am going to hurt your brother Ryan because, I know it will hurt you!" They hurt him the same way they hurt the people that let me stay with them and, kept me safe. They did that because of me. To hurt me because, I didn't do what I was told. I didn't kill myself so, they hurt and killed others. They were very clear about it. They even told me that others would blame me for it. Not them for doing all of this, ME and, they do!

I feel guilty being around people a lot of the time because I know they are being hurt. At the same time, I crave being around people that care about me. That help me remember that I am a person and, that it is ok to just relax and, not try to be what these people demand. It is ok to be me and, I start to feel better. That is a bad thing though. I shouldn't feel better when I know that they are being hurt trying to help me. 

They have terrorized my children. "This won't stop until your daughter says what I want her too!" "Daddy's new girlfriend is telling me to lie about you mommy!" They have terrorized my children and, I don't know why I can't get anyone to believe that! They have told me daughter that if she says what they tell her to they will let me live and, if she doesn't they will kill her family. They have done some terrible things and, I have to give up. To hear someone say my daughter just told them I hurt her and, they are "walking away from me." It's clear there is nothing I am ever going to be able to do. No idy is ever going to believe that I am innocent. 

They tortured me using my kids so badly that I can't picture their faces when they say their names anymore. I can barely connect their names to the people they are. I keep telling anyone that can hear me they have to stop using my kids. My son I haven't seen in a long time now and, I don't get to talk to him for various reasons. My ex, his dad, he doesn't act the same way he did. We could always get along for my son's sake. ALWAYS. We learned to coparent to a spectacular degree and, before this went insane, we spent two holidays together, as a family. When he remarried, there were no issues with us as a family. He married a wonderful woman who is an excellent mother and, who treats our son as if he were her own. For his sake, he had better he calling her mom. She is, in every way possible, a mother to him and, I am so grateful for the love and guidance she and, her family give him. That is what I wanted with John as well. That is what it should be with my daughters biological father too. We have children and, they should come first. Before our failed marriages, our hurt feelings, our issues, we have an obligation to provide them a family without worry that they will hurt their parents by spending time with the other parent. Where they don't have to worry about missing a holiday with one of their parents. We chose to have these children and, having them means we have to get over our own bullshit. No matter what I try or, how hard I try, there are issues that I can't seem to get others to stop doing. That is the cold hard truth. Somehow, they believe that if I die, they get more time with my children. If they weren't trying to get me to kill myself, something they tell me to do almost every day, then they would have all the time they wanted. 

I already know they have done this forever. They did this when I was married to my daughters biological father. John and, I met when she was three. She didn't understand the biological father, step father thing and, I asked these people to please not hurt her and, confuse her. She knows John as her dad. She is funny, kind, sweet and, in every way innocent of everything. She came to John and, I one day with her sweet smile and said "I don't understand. You have dark hair 8and pointed at John) and you have dark hair (and pointed at me) and, I have blond hair! It's weird!" Then she just laughed and, went and, played with her cousins. It was up to us, John, Anthony, her biological father and, me to explain to her what we chose to. What we felt was best. It want anyone else's decision. Instead, I was told that they were fixing how Anthony was cut out of her life. I did not cut him out of her life. She went to his parents house several times. They called him and, told him she was there. It was up to them, not to you or, to me what he chose to do. He knows I am a good mother. He knows she is safe with his family. It was up to him. YOU WERE DOING THIS TO HIM TOO. You are the reason he wasn't in his life. You have already admitted that. Recently, you admitted that you brought Anthony and, I together and, hurt us and, did the things you did because, someone else loved me and, you didn't want him to. You wanted, needed him to hate me.

When John got the domestic violence charge, I started hearing you after that. You told me you made us fight so you could prove that "true love wasn't really, really, real!" For a while I thought that was because you were trying to break us up. It wasn't until later I realized it had nothing to do with a John and, I and, even more recently I became aware of who you were talking about then too. You needed everyone to hate me but, specifically this one person and, their family. 

You are some sick people. Life shouldn't be like this. It hurts to learn something about this family and, realize that they have been there for me this whole time and, I didn't know it was them. Each time I hear something that I thought came from someone else and, learn it came from them, I feel so ashamed and, heartbroken. Even though there was no way for me to know. Even now, when I am told something about them,it takes a while for me to connect everything and,make it stick. 

John used things about this family and, others but, a lot were from this family, as his own. Memories he shared with me that he said were his, were theirs. 

I lost them because i was too afraid to believe the good things I have heard. I have heard my own families voices, possibly my actual family, say they hurt me. I kept saying they didn't but, I was still too afraid to try. Recently if I ride my bike or, take my dog, Nova, for a walk where I am near them, I hear people telling me to stay away from them. I am aware now that I have been hurt by them. I know this because someone did something really bad to my family and, made a vow to help me and, I know that person has told me for years to stay away from one place. I just thought they were being overprotective or, maybe because we would pilage parts from stripped down bikes occasionally. Not because I should be afraid of anyone. I am not afraid of them still. I still am not 100% sure what to believe but, I still don't think they did all the things I have heard. I know that he loved me. No matter what anyone else says, I know that much is actually true. I don't