People Are Only Going To Lie To Me And Hurt Me

I hate being alive. All people do isnl avoid me and, if I ask them about any of this, nobody ever knows a fucking thing. 

I have begged for help and, I only get told nobody knows anything. It's super duper awesome. They have lied to me and, hurt me so badly. They have left me so isolated and, confused that I no longer care about anyone. They will just use anyone I am dumb enough to still care about to hurt me. Then, every fucking day they tell me to just kill myself. Sounds like the best thing I can do at this point.

I have begged for years now for them to stop using my fucking kids to hurt me. Nope, they only used them more. Now, I am not able to care at all. All that keeps happening is I get lied to and, hurt worse.

"You weren't supposed to live!" Oh, ok. Well, I have been told that before but, it really doesn't matter now. I am ready to die 

I do not believe that there is one person I this planet that fucking gives a shit. I beg and, beg for people to please talk TO me. Unfortunately, since things have gotten so fucking bad and, all they do is talk shit about each other and, tell me how many people want me to die, I am a bit afraid to approach people. To be told so many lies that you can't tell if people like you or, hate you kind of fucks with your head. I kept trying, it's just too much now.

If you look at my life when this started compared to now, I am not even close to the same person. I am so isolated now that I just cant be around people at all anymore. Not that anyone is overly interested in being around me. They act like they care for a while but, when push comes to shove, nobody ever knocks on the door which, is all it would have taken. Instead, they say they care, then they don't. They say they care then, they prove that they don't care at all. Nobody cares about me. They have proven that a million times over. 

This last time, I believed 100%, like the dumb bitch I am. Every fucking day I get told he was only here to kill me. That he raped my daughter. That he is the one that kept me poed full of drugs so badly I can't remember anything. I was stupid to have loved him. Thank God I fell out of love before I found out he didn't give a rats ass about me! No wonder he would never even let me look at him. I heard he was afraid to be around me in case I remembered what he did, I guess that was true after all. Since nobody will just talk to me, I can only know what I hear and, I guess I should have believed it more. 

Mostly what I am told is horrible. I thought they were lying to me. They tell enough lies to me. HORRIBLE THING then they ask me how does that feel? I never am allowed to have anyone around me. I get harassed no matter who I talk to. God forbid I go to the only people that used to want me around. Then I a lm w whore that "sucks brown dick for drugs!" So, I sit here alone and, get ripped apart and, laughed at. I am done caring about anyone. It isn't worth it.

Nothing I do makes any difference. Everyone hates me and, for whatever reason it doesn't matter how much I neg, nobody wants me around. I was so stupid to think that people cared. They care only if they don't have to be around me. 

John is the ONLY ONE who was willing to be around me and, he lied to me and, there is no escape from him and, the rest of these people. My own fucking family hates me so much that even they lie to me about all of this. They have literally tortured me and, NOBODY CARED.

I give up it doesn't matter what I say or do. They admit to changing names, words, so I never have any clue what is actually going on. I was so stupid to have loved anyone. It's not like they loved me. I get made fun of for that too. "How can you fall in love this way?!" Sight unseen. I did though. I loved him a lot. I wanted to share my life with him and, he wouldn't even be around me. I was supposed to go himunt through crowds of people, people who I am told hate me, to find someone who doesn't want to find me. Every fucking day and, night it's the same thing. They are horrible people who do nothing but, lie to me. They tell me things that make me afraid to be around people I don't already have in my life. 

EVERYONE YOU MEET YOU WILL WONDER IF THEY RID THIS TO YOU! And, I do. I am so afraid of being around people that I try like hell to avoid them. Nobody notices I guess. 

I go out back, where I was told he was and, I get told to never go back there again. I get told they are going to file stalking charges against me! I get told, if I really loved you, wouldn't I be there with you?! Again, he, like everyone else, avoids me like I have a disease. "Why won't you die?!" Is what was said to me just now.

I loved my kids. I didn't want them to think that I left them on purpose. Then, I was stupid enough to have believed that there was at least one person who still saw me as a human being. How stupid of me.

Every fucking day I hear this man rip me apart. Tell me how ugly I am. Tell me how he hates me. I asked John about him but, he someone he didn't know him. For years I heard a voice that I thought was a cop telling me to not go out back. Stay away from this it back. They led me to believe that I would be hurt if I went back there and, under no circumstance was I supposed to go back there alone. I didn't care so I didn't listen. Everything i get told was to "warn" me about this man. 

I am now at the point where I will never live anyone again. I will never trust anyone again. Love was what they used more than anything to fucking kill me. "Who would want that?!" So many times that I don't see myself as a person anymore. I get made fun of for how u look so much that I barely look in the mirror anymore. It was stupid of me have believed that anyone could care about the thing that I am. 

I tried to tell people what this was doing. I told John I am so depressed that I want to die and, he just looked at me and, told me to kill myself TWICE! I TOLD HIM I DO NOT BELIEVE I AM A PERSON ANYMORE, HE LAUGHED AT ME! I am afraid to try to talk about this anymore, they only make it worse when I do. This last time though, they say they use my kids and, then how much I believed on someone who didn't want to be around me, this is the last time.

I am sick of being made fun of. I am sick of being lied to. I get told when I compliment the man that I loved, it only makes him feel worse. I am afraid to be alive. That is the truth of everything. I am afraid to be alive. Everything i do only hurts other people. That is what I am told every fucking day. MY LIFE HURTS OTHER PEOPLE.

I barely think anymore and, they use my voice so much that I can't convince people that I am not the one saying these things. They tell me that everyone is hear hurt me and, all I have asked is please if you come to the door and, knock I will come out and we can talk. You have to approach me somewhere where I feel a little safe otherwise, I am going to be afraid. Nobody gave a fuck though. Now, I have lost the ability to fucking care. As far as I can tell nobody cared about me. They believe that I am going to lie, cheat, steal, do whatever I can to escape things that I haven't done! My life has been destroyed and, they blame me for that too. They tell me I did this to myself. I can't handle anymore. 

This is the end. I loved this man. They tell me terrible things all day and, night about him. I still believed him. It's been months now though and, even though I beg, I still couldn't get anyone to talk to me. Not even him. I get told I flirt with everyone and, that I would just cheat on him. I can't handle this anymore. I have tried to divorce John but, that isn't allowed. I fell in love and, I was punished severely for it. I couldn't get anyone to be around me. Not just the man I lived but, ANYONE. They say they want to talk to me but, nobody ever shows up. I won't let anyone in here. I made a promise and, I would have kept it. I would only be around others in public. Nothing mattered though. 

In the end, I am just a whore. They tell me every day. The man I live will only cheat on me. I have heard John say that to someone he still denies knowing. He wouldn't have cheated on me. He isn't like that but, nothing I say ever makes a difference. John is a liar. A sociopath and, too many people have bought into his bullshit. I have even been told if I meet the man I lived in person, I will be arrested or, he will be arrested. They have told me so much that I have no choice but to give up. Every night I am told he cheats on me and, I listen to crowds cheer about it. 

I have lost my life fighting to get them to stop. Fighting only to hear everyone hate me and, call me a liar. John will ask me to go to my friends house then, I get beaten down for doing it! I have no choice left but to give up. 

According to everyone I hear, I am the problem. This is being done to all of these people because of me. People are being murderer because of me!  People have blamed me for their family member dying. They told me they were going to hurt my brother Ryan because they knew it would hurt me and, they did. They hurt him and, his family so badly and, they hurt others because of me too. I have nobody who can help me. I would ask John for a hug and, get made fun of. If I refused to have sex with John they would harass me and, others to punish me. His mother told me that next time he asked me to have sex with him it would be rape. That's how badly they treat me. If I have sex with him, I listen to him talk to other women, make fun of me, try to give me away and, get upset when nobody else wanted me. I have been told that he lets other men fuck me through him. That they can feel me through him and, that I am just his slave now. Just a sex doll. The things I hear have made me realize just how worthless I actually am in this world. 

I get called a liar all the time. I have told the truth. Knowing that nobidy wanted to talk to me and, that they believed what they hear has destroyed me. I loved this man and, they used him and, my kids to hurt me. They killed people to hurt me. They tell me and, John has told me to my face "if there was no Jennifer this wouldn't be happening!" I can't handle this anymore. Knowing people blame me. Knowing that nobody believes me. Knowing that my love doesn't matter and, my life only hurts people, I can't take anymore. They don't believe me anyways. They can't help me now. It's been too long.

I believe that I am the problem. I believe they will stop if I am no longer hear. It wasn't just one person that told me that. I know that they took a poll, nobody will ever care about me, nobody will ever be faithful to me. I had too many ch self esteem and, that was a problem for them. Over five years of listening to the most horrific abuse and, nobody believing me has taken a toll. When I say that wasn't me that said something, I get made fun of. They will hurt everyone until I am no longer alive. They are very clear about it. If I ask of they are happy now, they just say "you are still breathing!" 

Nobody could ever love something as disgusting as me. Every fucking day I am told that. I already knew the man I loved and, believed lived me was miles above anyone else. I believed he was one of the, I can't even put it into words, he was thean I thought was the one. Everything about him was perfect to me. The way he talked, the things he got menti understand, the way he looked, he was perfect. I told others that I would never live them as much as I loved him. It was so obvious to me. He was so easy to love. Now, I feel so stupid. I have felt so ugly, fat, stupid, hairy, worthless for so long and, I am tired of being made fun of. I don't even smile anymore. I don't believe that anyone could look at me and, see a person. They call me a man all the time and, I feel so disgusting that I don't get out of bed much anymore. I hate the way I look. All the time they make fun of me for how I look. I feel so uncomfortable in my own body now. 

I wish I could have been a person. I am sorry for the thing I am. I know I am an embarrassment, even my own family has told me that. I can't take anymore. I know they keep telling me I can but, I can't. I am so tired and, I don't see myself the same way. 

I use to much drugs. Over and, over and, over. Then, they sabotage me so I can't quit. I know I could if they weren't doing this. They even admit they are doing that. John went to prison and, somehow that's my fault ai their goal, since they haven't killed me yet, is to lock me up somewhere so I will lose everything the way he did. He chose to hire an underage hooker, now everyone I am around is called a child molester by these people, he knew there was a sting and, he still chose to go. He has set me up so many times that I have finally realized, you can never leave John Butterfield. To fall out of love with him is a death sentence. 

There no longer is a point in trying. They have made it clear that anyone I love will never want me. They will never be allowed to be around me and, it will only hurt everyone. My life only causes pain. It isn't worth it. It's better for everyone if I am no longer here. If there is no Jennifer, this will stop and, the people I love will be ok. I'm sorry I survived this long. My life isn't worth this.