I Hate My Family

There was a time when I would have done anything for my family. I believed they loved me. I am stupid.

Michael Tookey, who masterbates to my daughter and who roofied me and, let people I to this apartment to do things so terrible I can't remember them, can kiss my ass. My parents make fun of me and, defend him. I am told he raped me, his sister, more than once. Since I wasn't able to find anyone who would talk to me and, believe me, I have lost all hope. To never be fully secure in anything you hear has taken a toll 

They didn't want me to live. That much is obvious and, I have survived for as long as I can. I do not want to live knowing my brother drugged me let alone raped me. 

It doesn't matter to anyone anyways. How can you ask someone and, they lie to you then, make fun of you the very way they swear they know nothing about?! There is no way for me to know what was real. One minute someone cares, the next that same voice hates me. 

Love is the weapon they use and, without people in my life, I wasn't able to deal with all of this anymore. 

I am never on solid ground. There is nothing I can count on to be real. They keep doing everything they can to kill me and, it finally has dobe so much damage that I will never be able to recover.

Today, they used my son. I can't even believe that it was him I heard let alone anything I heard. All I know is I have asked my family, his dad included and, all I am ever told is he is doing good. Since that is all I know, I can't trust what I heard earlier. They made so much fun of me for believing any of what I heard anyways. "You stupid bitch, that was t ev n your win. That's how stupid you are, you don't ev n know your own child!" I can no longer seak with this 

Tracy is fucking insane and, I know she keeps pushing things into my h ad and, then I get shit in for what people think I am thinking. It is obvious that she is worried about certain people trying to help me and, as far as I can tell, everyone has believed the bad things about me. I am told all the time that nobody wants me and, nobody is ever around me. I am tired if kittening to people tell me they don't want me around then get upset when I am not around. I just cant handle this anymore 

I am sorry that so many people hate me. I feel so stupid. I can no longer believe in myself. The abuse has become so bad I don't look in a mirror amgardly or very. I bary get out of bed. I get told that someone I live hates me, one minute he never loved me, the next I hear oh no he did! Either way, I am told dozens of times a day that he is moving on with his life. All I know is that they keep telling me all these other men are him and, I wasn't able to be around him. I am having a very hard time understanding what is happening and, what I did to make so many people hate me. I believed that au could be lived and, I believed he lived me. I am always left with doubt and, fear and, I can't handle this anymore. They demand I do things that I can't do. I am not going to be able to approach someone I haven't se n in 11 years in a group of strangers. I want to. I would do a lot not only for himb but, to find out what is real but, I can't. I just can't. 

I tried to explain that I can't. They are so mean and, I am afraid of the things that could happen. They say they hired him to kill me. That he raped me. That I used his brother to get close to him. That he hate me. I can't handle another person I hear deny all knowledge of this. I am already being lied to by so many people. I don't know what to do. I just cant be strong anymore. Then, "how does that feel?" Hurts, thanks. That only makes it hurt more.

I am not ok. They keep doing everything they can to make sure I have nobody. It has come to the point where it is very obvious that I am not going to survive.. I keep telling people what is being done and, begging for help. I have begged for people to please talk to me in person for so long and, I give up. I have tried but, I have to feel safe. I tried to explain I have to be somewhere u feel safe, just in cas. I just wasn't worth it. They keep telling me I want more attention, that I am a liar, all kinds of things like that. I don't want attention, I needed to beca person. I am not. 

They have proven that I am the problem. They tell me everyday that everyone will cheat on me. I am worthless and, defective. I know now that they were right. I do not have the strength in me anymore. I am tired if be by hated. Tired of being told if I wanted to live I would have done this or, that. I WANTED TO LIVE. I can't anymore but, for a long time, I wanted to live for my kids. I thought people heard me say that a billion times. I was stupid enough to believe that people cared about me and, wanted to help me. Like always "joke is on" me. I am stupid. I should have understood that people do not want to be around me. Even him. Every day " maybe now you will believe I don't want you!" "Maybe now you will believe I don't live you!" I don't understand. 

They say now that it was John that said all of that. That wasn't the name that was used. I heard several people say the same name and, it damn sure wasn't John. Then, I get made fun of more. I am not sure why wi many people tell me terrible things about him. People tell me if I pick him, they won't be my friends anymore. They say a lot lit about him. I have tried to hold on but, there isn't.a way to anymore. Every single person, place or, thing I thought was real and, that I could count on turned out to be not real at all. There is nothing I can count on except being hurt. 

I BEGGED FOR HELP. ALL I GOT WAS MORE AND, MORE PAIN. MORE AND, MORE LIES. I CANT GET ANYONE TO BELIEVE ME. ITS JUST TIME. I KNOW NOW THERE WILL NEVER BE SOMEONE WHO CARES ENOUGH TO EVEN BE AROUND ME. John swears he is the only person who helps me. Swears he is the only person who shows up for me

 I didn't believe that until tonight. Now I know there isn't anyone who wants me around. They all hide from me anyways. I go out back and, I get told not to go back there again and, that I am stalking people and, they are going to press charges 

I can't take anymore. I GIVE UP. I lost my sanity, my children are, I don't even know. My family says they are ok and, these people say they are hurting them. They threatened to kill my son earlier. All these terrible things they tell me and, I believe a lot of them, I have had no support. Nobody to talk to. Nobody who can help me. I can't even get a hug. I sit here and, have to deal with it all. How anyone can say "who's fault is that!" Fuck this. I have tried. Even the police made fun of me. I can't take anymore.

I am never going to look good enough. Never be thin enough. I am too hairy. Every day it's the same thing and, it's obviously true. How can anyone say it isn't yet, nobody wants to be around me. I am always disgusting, worthless, a liar, it's just a huge game to fuck with my head. 

I will never, ever tell anyone I love them again. That made things so fucking bad and, has caused me so much pain and, drama that I do not ever want to be loved or, in love again. I have lost my life and, I told the mother fucking truth.

You tortured me, kidnapped me, assaulted me, raped me, killed me more than once and there is nobodyeft in my life. I don't even know if there is anyone who cares about me. From what I hear, I am hated by everyone and, nobody wants to be around me. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT IN MY LIFE. You still call me a liar and, refuse to believe me. I can't take anymore. I AM GOING TO DIE. I LOST MY KIDS. WOULDNT I HAVE SAID SOMETHING BUT NOW???!!!!!

I loved myself, my kids, my family and, I still had the ability to love and, try until tonight. There is nothing left now. I can't count on anyone being who they say they are. I can't take anymore pain and, I begged and, begged but, all they do is keep hurting me  Then tell me I can take more. NOPE, I CANT TAKE MORE. I am not expected to live long term, even if this stopped and, they were caught. The memory loss and, continued torture it's not good for someone to go through. I've gone through it while people lie to me so badly in person that there isn't a way to try. 

My head has been so fucked with that I am never going to be normal. My parents call me their financial drain and, make fun of me all the time. I can't get a job and, they have sabotaged my efforts to start my own business. They tell me to get a real job. The person Io e and, believed lived me and was helping me I am td is gone. I am not worth it. Not ever going to be good enough and, I can't do anything without being abused so badly that I have to give up. I have to die. Everyone tellse to guve them what they want and, that is what they have wanted from the beginning. They openly admit to doing this so I will die. They admit to hiring people to kill me. They have admitted to trying to kill me for years. They admit to murdering people and, they blame me for that. They tell me if I had killed myself they wouldn't have had to do that. They tell me if I had never been born they wouldn't have had to do this at all. I told my mom they were hurting my grandparents "don't keep torturing her grandma, just torture her mom that's who brought her into this world!" but, my mom told me I was stupid, that nobody was hurting them 

I can never let my guard down again. They like hurting me. They know I have nobody who I can talk to. Nobody to verify anything they say and, they use my kids to hurt me. They hurt me so badly using them I can't picture their faces and, their names don't connect to them anymore. I begged for them to stop. Now, when I think of my children u am afraid and, I never know what is real. I call my son several times a week but, he doesn't answer. I am bit the same without my kids and, they took them because j was a good mom. Because I was going to keep taking my daughter back to the hospital but, nobody believes me. Nobody could make these people stop. Nobody could do anything and, I have to give up