I Get It Niw

I am the dumb bitch that thought u could survive a gaslighting. No, I really didn't think I would survive this.

I am blamed for shit that I have no control over. Beaten down until I no longer have any hope of being a human being. I am the problem in every fucking life. 

Every problem in fact is my fault. I am never good enough. I never try hard enough. All day every day, they make sure I know exactly how people feel about me and, I have to agree, I am a huge piece of shit that the world would be better off without.

.

I am glad very few people reached out to help me. I am glad that they tell me one thing, then tellme something different. It's awesome! It sure has made it much easier to know what I need to do to be a person again! 

One minute I am told I was raped. Not just raped, "they ran a big ol train on you!" For whatever reason, I have no memory of the rape. I do remember being given a drink that was roofied. I do remember being taken to a different city! I do remember bits and, pieces of being terrorized. In fact I have been terrorized for the last five years, over five years. Not that it matters. 

They are the ones that told me I was raped

 They are the ones that told me they kept me drugged up for almost a month. I should have known at some point they would start telling me tje opposite. Since that is what they always do. One minute I am told that this is how it is. Then how it is changes. It has made it very easy to understand life. Since these are the people I have in my life and, this is pretty much the only way that I am talked to, via satellite they tell me, it has made it difficult to understand.

My own family is attacking me! Some of these people attacked the diplomates in Cuba too. It's ok though. I'm not a person. I couldn't even see myself as a person anymore. 

It's my fault. I should have done this a long time ago. Every problem in life and, every problem in this world has its roots in my life. "If there was no Jennifer, this wouldn't have had to be done!" Even to my face a variation of that has been said! "If there was no Jennifer, John wouldn't have gone to prison!" I guess I somehow encouraged him and, knew all about him hiring an underage hooker and, getting caught. If you ask these people, it's all my fault. All I knew is they kept threatening to send him to prison because we couldn't bail him out of prison and, he wouldn't be able to adopt my daughter.

It would have been nice if maybe my own family had believed me. In the end, they didn't. I did what I could to try to tell people that they were being set up but, it didn't do much good and, imI ended up leaving myself wide open. Only, I stopped giving a shit about myself a long time ago. I try once in a while but, there is no way to keep my head above water. Sleepytime music is a tough one to combat. So, then I end up sleeping all the time. I can sleep for days on end, I just get up to go to the bathroom and l, right back to sleep. I just say I am depressed. It's not like I will be believed anyways.

My own family. What a fucking joke my life has become. My fault again. I mean, let's be honest, it has been no problem at all to lose the people I love. It hasn't caused any issues for people to tell me they don't know anything and, that I am just stupid or, crazy.

Asking me how it feels to know my daughter was molested and, there is nothing I can do about it, super duper easy to live with. THEN THEY BLAME ME AND, SAY I MILESTED HER! My son is having so many problems and, I can't get a straight answer about them from anyone in a normal way. Everything comes from these people. Talking to me is impossible apparently! Fine with me. 

This is by far the absolute worst thing I have ever had to deal with. Nobody can just talk to me and, people have asked about this and, who swear they don't know or, hear anything get angry at me for not talking to them in person. I am not responsible for any of this yet, I am blamed for all of it. I don't know how to do this, I have never done this or, anything that comes close but, I am going to end up in prison or, dead because of it. It really doesn't matter anymore. I have realized that nothing I do matters. Everything about me is wrong. 

I am deeply sorry that Angela and, whoever helped her attacked me and, gave her the same attitude and, words back. Clearly, that was where my life went wrong. I should have kissed her ass and, done everything people command. Maybe if I had been perfect, these same people could have talked to me instead of at me. It's very easy to understand people demanding from me but, if I talk to these same people, on the phone or, in person, very, very few people know anything. If I go back to the only four people that have ever said anything out loud to make me understand they know what is going on, they know nothing.

It's fine. I don't care anymore. Go ahead and, make me be hated by everyone for being your victim. You use my voice and, talk to people more than I do. Now is when someone will say I use their voice but, again I do not know how to use this technology so, I am not the one changing voices. I am not the one changing words. I am not the one that has the ability to turn this up or, down. It is beyond obvious that I am the problem. I don't so anything right. Even when I do the right thing, I am told I didn't so there isn't much I can do. 

My kids don't believe me. My parents don't believe me. Anyone who does apparently only defends me because they are my "boyfriend" or, some other reason that that makes them lie for me. 

They tell me I am a liar all the fucking time. I can't really do anything about it. Believe I lied. The truth will always come out and, there is nothing that can change that fact. Unfortunately, for me it will come out too late. It's ok though. I do what I am told to, a lot more than I get credit for and, every time complying with their demands fucks me over. It's ok though. Since I am the liar and, the problem.

This has come to the point where my own life is causing me problems. Where to myself, I no longer can see myself as someone who has value. I see myself as the reason they are doing this. Not because there was something wrong with me when this started but, because I am defective. Something about me is creating an imbalance in the for e and, until I am gone, this will continue. There is nothing now that makes me believe that I am not the problem. My very life is hurting people so badly this is what they are doing. My life is hurting people.

I am not sure what I am doing but, it clearly is a huge problem. My own family offers no support, even they blame me. They have even told me, they can't offer me love and, support to get off drugs, that is what rehab is for! So, that pretty much tells me where I stand. I have defended all of these people at one time or, another. Tried to get people to understand that, I didn't do anything. I guess I was wrong though. It isn't them, it's me. So many people all telling me the EXACT same thing, it has to be me. I am sorry that I am not stronger than the abusers or, the abuse. I tried to be but, once you beat someone down so badly they know to stay down with the garbage where they belong and, they no longer believe they are a person, there's no hope left. Even saying how I feel about myself, it makes others somehow believe I saying something about them. 

I am just not alive anymore. Everything about me is invisible and, is somehow about everyone else. I do not see people as anything other than people. We are all different and, I have learned that is wrong. We all have to be exactly the same or, we will be ridiculed and, treated like a problem. Since I had confidence and, I didn't know it was wrong to be happier than someone else, strangers and, I didn't know it was wrong to be fat and, happy. I didn't know it was wrong to live my life and, not think about how my happiness made someone I never fucking met feel, now I do. 

If you know how to do this, use this technology, you can do and l, say whatever you want. Something like me, there is no hope. I can only tell the truth and, point out, logically, how what is being said makes no sense. Even trying to be patient and, kind and, logical has failed. They will tell me things and, it makes no sense but, they believe it so completely that I am not able to get them to help me understand

from their point of view. They just get angry and, tell me how stupid I am. Ok, well I already know how stupid I am, they tell me every day. I am a lot  MCof things that I didn't realize I was. It's their world and, if you don't see things their way, it's your problem.

Every day they tell me they are going to arrest me

 Hey, I am all for it. Please, I am here waiting. I would love to talk to anyone about all of this. It would be the first time for me! 

They remind me every once in a while that I am under oath. I can understand that apparently we are all under oath. Well, everyone except me since when their was a grand jury, I was off being drugged and, whatever else they say happened then, didn't happen. I do in fact remind them every time that, I was told they pretended to be me at the grand jury since "you would have told the truth!" And, during that time period, they were stealing our mail. Even now though, when people are still coming in l, my brother (my brother is the man I live with, not my husband, boyfriend or, anything else MY BROTHER, who by the way, since they are now telling me I wasn't raped and, all the things they have been trying to convince me happened now didn't happen, I guess that means he didn't rape me. He is the one that wanted me to drink that drink that started that nightmare and, he let people into this apatbit, told me I was crazy when I told him I thought people were in here. He still tells me I am crazy but, I can promise you I am not crazy enough to have sex with my own brother boy, life sure could get better if people thought about me as a person and, not something that all of these things should be done to!) just tells me I am nuts.tjey have spend at least the last two of the three plus years trying to  convince me that I was raped, that they put a plastic bag over my head and, that someone held me while I died. That they gave me a drug that paralyzed me and, threw me into the river and/or a pool. That a lot of other terrible things were done to me. That they have been trying to give me HIV and, they gave me a blood transfusion. That John put a balloon with infected blood interest my vagina or, that my brother again drugged me and, let someone with HIV in to rape me. That i had a threesome with someone, which I never have. Once I start to believe these things, they now tell me it never happened! I HAVE NO MEMORY OF THESE THINGS. My life depends on what they tell me because all I know is I am missing chunks of time. People have confessed to doing these things to me and, I have soame, though few, memories during this time period.

I remember these people harassing me and, telling me to kill myself and, my brother telling me to try this drink, it goes down smooth! I finally had enough, bought, yes, bought sleeping pills and, drank them down. I took those pills and, drank the drunk, I could only do small amounts. Pills make me gag and, I don't typically drink alcohol so, I wasn't able to do much but, it was enough. I became dizzy and, I thought I was hallucinating. I remember telling my brother I thought people were in this apartment. He told me I am crazy and, that I needed to go lay down! I remember someone coming up out of the box springs in my brother's room ( when we moved him into this apartment the box springs cover was white, after this it was blue.) I remember a white l, older body style truck pulling up to the window and, people jumping out of the window into the bed of the truck. We live on the second story so I know I wasn't here at that point. I also remember going into the closet and, the closet seemed like it was the same as the one in my brother's room but, there was an attic hatch in it so, it wasn't here. I remember being asked if I wanted to see John and, taken outside to, I think, a van. I remember seeing my nephew laying across the back window in a car. A wig on a person with dark hair and, skin slightly lighter than a weak chocolate milk. I remember people standing at the pillars by the laundry room and, I clearly remember two of these people and, what one of them was wearing. (I was given what that person was wearing over their clothes but, even though I put it in a bag and, hid it, it has been pointed out because the apartment key disappeara a lot and, I can't always lock the door the chain of custody is no longer valid. A lot of other evidence, that nobody wanted, even when I tried to take it to the police, has disappeared) I remember people knocking on the door, demanding I give them Nova because, John wanted his dog back. A large group of people then, there was only one person. They were wearing grey swear pants l, grey sweat shirt and, a grey beanie and, they were doing the cabbage patch. I could see them through the peephole. I tried to record them on my phone through the peephole but, I don't know what happened to that recording. They have deleted a lot of things off of my phone. It was during NG the time the people were outside the door that my mother showed up. I remember trying to take a shower but, I wanted to take it in the dark because, people watch me bathe and, make comments and, I remember getting out of the shower to turn the light in and, falling. I remember being somewhere where there were a lot of boxes. They were piled up above my head but, not to the ceiling. I remember falling over them. I remember walking barefoot down Wells ave and, then looking up and, being at Sonoma Park in Carson City. While in Carson, I remember being at Grocery Outlet on Highway 50. I remember waking up and, hearing "this drugging brought to you by......" they have two names and, it was Angela Tracjeski's voice. I remember dripping my car keys several times but, when I woke up my feet were clean and, I had both sets of keys. I remember going to check my brother's to om and, I saw someone sleeping in there. I was still so groggy I didn't trust my memory of who I saw but, they made a phone call while still in this apartment. They kept calling whoever they were talking to brother. When they left, I went back into the room and, saw someone else. Since the person I saw the second time was someone I knew and, trusted I went to poke them to wake them up but, they were a hologram. People keep telling me I am crazy and, I had already had bad experiences trying to turn them in. Both with the police not believing me (though a few did try) and, the retaliation from these people is horrible. Not only do they retaliate against me but, also my children and, others that I love so that people I love will blame me!

My life has become a nightmare and, the fact that so many people I love and, trust have lied to me or, I am told hurt me and, my children and, family, while I get blamed for everything and, be abandoned and, hated by so many, I am done trying. I can't take this anymore. I am blamed by so many people and, nothing makes sense anymore. Nobody wants to be around me and, I am tired of being treated like shit and, threatened all the time.  I am blamed for six many things that I have no control over or, told that I have others doing these things for me, it's too much

My kids lives and, most of these kids lives have so much damage that I alget blamed for to. I am not doing things I should be, I admit that but, you wake them up to watch me be harassed to death. I have heard you, wake up let's watch Mommy be picked on! I understand, sort of, that people have been trying to help make this stop but, it's has to stop. Covering it up isn't going to work. This has gotten so out of control and, I can't understand things. When I finally understand something, which takes forever, then it shifts back and, forth. Partly, each personal n has their own view of who people are and, what is going on. While you can keep track of this, I can't. I start to question myself and, since you would do what you could to prove my instincts were wrong about everything for so long, I am having a hard time trusting myself. 

They tell me something, then use the same voice to tell me the opposite. After all this time, some voices, the way they say things or, the rhythm is recognizable but, not always. In the beginning I know that someone was trying to help me. Sometimes when they talked to me it felt like they had blue eyes that sparkles like jewels. Which means that someone was watching them help me. Obviously, you all know this already but, I didn't. 

I am sorry that people feel harassing me, lying to me, telling me this is my fault, I am a piece of shit, anything they can say to make me hate myself. Then, they blame me for not being able to live the way I should. How is making me want to die making me believe I can be strong enough to do everything you demand, which constantly shifts. Why not he supportive of the efforts that I make? I know you see them? You bitch at me if I don't praise John for his efforts but, you will spend your time telling me every way I have failed, every reason I am not worth caring about and, when I try harder and, start to prison ve to am not a worthless pile of shit, things get worse. Every single time. This has been proven. How can you blame me for giving up? 

Everyone keeps blaming me but, very rarely does anyone ask me if I did or, said what I am blamed for or, why I did or said something. They have asked whoever is accusing me why but, it's like I am not worth asking. It hurts to look stem to them talking about me. I am treated like an unwanted child. "Now she finally gets it!" Well then, since they continue to treat me in a way that is an extremely twisted and, distorted view of who I am and, that is if they are using something I did and, not something from someone else. It is clearly not going to stop and, life shouldn't be so miserable. I am tired of people trying to prove I am some sick, terrible thing. My own family, my in laws, it's just a constant let's push her down. They have even told me to stay down with the garbage where I belong. Nothing in life is going to get better and, I can't take anymore. I am tired if all of this. I didn't do anything and, I can't take anymore. It is difficult enough but, without people who believe me and, support me around me, it's a death sentence. 

The manipulation and, terror that I keep being blamed for is going to have to be blamed on someone else. I have been so humiliated and, hurt and, the comments when I am at my lowest, it's too much. They turn this down, lie to me, leave me so confused and, unsure of everything. I don't belong anywhere and, I am so hated for doing what I thought I was told to do, I give up. I am ashamed of everything about me and, I hate myself for everything. I am donw trying. Done caring when, that only causes me more problems. I don't know what is real and, I can't believe anything or, anyone. I feel so stupid and, unwanted. I am worthless and, I can't take this anymore. I am sorry that I thought it was ok to have more people in my life than I am allowed. Sorry that I tried to make friends and, incredibly sorry I ever belieo stupid and ved anything that I heard that was good. All the good things have been proven to be wishful thinking. Most of the time I am told that I made it up. There isn't a reason for me to try anymore. I just cant care anymore. I am sorry for being so stupid and, it won't happen again. 

Obviously, I am not able to get anyone to believe me and, it is clear I am too fucking stupid to understand what is real. I am sorry for the pain and, problems I have caused others. I am not going to be able to get anyone to understand what I am going through but, it clearly is not people doing everything they can to hurt me, it is definitely me doing this to myself. I apologize for my problems causing so many issues. I will do what I can to get some mental health help.