I Can't Take Any Fucking More

I am so sick of everything.

Keep beating me down. Keep telling me "go ahead and, blame" this person or, that person. I am sick if hearing people tell me they hate me. I am sick if all of this. 

I get beaten down all the time by these people. I can't take anymore. I am sick if being the problem in life. I don't understand they refuse to treat me like I am a person. Why nobody could talk to me instead of at me.

Why hurt me like this and, then make demands that I can't meet. How can you make demands of something that can't do anything right. 

All the time "if you knew" "if you hurt her" "yes, I hear him but, he is telling the truth" "yes, I hear them but, it isn't that bad" "we didn't torture you that badly" "Jennifer keeps telling you the truth" "your daughter is being tortured. We have proven this to you. We have shown you the proof" nothing changes though. I still sit here and, take the blame for things I didn't do and, that I don't understand. 

I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I AM SORRY BUT, I JUST CAN'T. 

They make all these demands about my daughter and, tell me how I lost my son. According to them, I lost everyone. Always, everyday I lost everyone. I am sorry. I don't know what the fuck i did. "Everyone blames Johnny, how is that fair?" Really?! Fuck this. I am going insane. I am hurt so badly that I just cant handle it anymore. I am sick to death of all of this. 

I hate myself so fucking much. They refuse to stop and, I can't handle this anymore. I am sorry that I am so worthless and, pathetic. I used to have feelings too. I used to be a fucking person once upon a time. I am tired of being hurt. Tired of being depressed. Tired of listening to them admit they took my kids. Tired of caring about people and, hearing them say they care about me but, then they walk away. They always get mad at me and, it's always my responsibility to be perfect so that maybe they will stop abusing the fuck out of me. 

They get mad if I talk to John but, he sends me pictures of him cutting himself and, texts telling me how he wants to die and, I don't know how to help him. I am getting sick if everything.

I am sorry that I wasn't worth it. I am sick if hearing how I was perfect or never wrong or, how he used to. I am sorry, I just cant fucking handle this anymore. 

They tell me all the time to kill myself then, get mad at me if I think about it or, talk about it. I am so unhappy and, I give up. As long as I do everything they demand, then maybe they will stop. Usually if I comply with their demands, I get hurt worse

John keeps telling me that his mom wants to kick him out if he doesn't get into a program. I can't stand to be around him or, talk to him because, he will hurt me too. He has lied to me so badly and, he has hurt me physically and, emotionally. I hate him but, I don't know what to do anymore. I hate my life. Nothing is worth going through this. I can't be perfect. I never said I was perfect. They are hurting me so badly. I am sorry that people stuck up for me. I am sorry that I don't understand. Sorry that the truth isn't good enough for anyone. I am sorry for everything. I can't try anymore. I can't live like this. 

Why wasn't I good enough? Because I am a drug addict? That is all I am ever told. Drugs. I am miserable, I can't remember chunks of time and, they tell me what happened to me during those times but, then they tell me it never happened. I feel so stupid. I can't even tell if people I hear are who they say they are and, they use different voices and, have lied to me about who they are so much that I can't trust anything or, anyone. Then they just tell me I am paranoid.

Everyone hates me. I can't understand why when they hear that I am telling the truth, why wasn't I worth helping? I am sick if losing people and, hearing that they will never care about me again. I AM TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH. WHY DI THEY TELL PEOPLE THAT AND, I AM STILL BEING BLAMED? 

My life will never be anything normal again. This has done too much damage and, even my parents don't believe me. I am not sure what to do. "Who do you think they will believe? A decorated veteran or a drug addict?" " Who do you think they will believe?" All the fucking time. I obviously not me! I am sorry. I know this is all my fault. They have made sure I know that. I can't take anymore. I am sorry, I just cant take anymore. 

I am not able to take care of myself anymore. I don't care about myself anymore. I have said for almost two years, I am getting blnumber and, number and, I am losing the ability to connect with life. Then, I get told that I never said that it, "I guess she tokd the truth about that too!" 

It doesn't matter what I do. I have complied with their demands. All if them except the one to kill myself. It only makes things worse. I am sorry I am afraid. I am tired of saying how hurt I am and, tired of being blamed for being hurt. Everything is my fault. I can't take anymore.

Over and, over, "no, he did" who fucking cares? I can't take anymore more. I just cant take anymore.

Fuck this. "Listen to your kid!" You meant the one you keep telling me I molested?! I am too afraid to talk to anyone anymore. I can't handle this anymore. I am sorry that I am alive. I am sorry that nobody could talk to me. I am sorry for everything. I just cant handle this anymore.

I am sick if hearing how John said he would help everyone get away with this. If I die, they say it gets swept under the rug. Everyone wants me to die anyways. I hear that all the time. Then, they can "swept it all under the rug!" I hear my family but, I hear them telling me they dont believe me. I am sorry I can't take anymore.

They know that I can't remember what they did and, it is more than just August 2021. November 1st 2021 I was at a friend's house and, things were strange so I left and, the don't remember getting home. 

I am not blaming anyone but myself. Please stop. Please stop saying go ahead blame me. I AM SORRY. I AM SIRRT THEY HAD TO FO THIS TO ME. I AM SIRRY I WAS HAPPY. I AM S OK RRY FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE. I JUST CANT TAKE ANYMORE.

I GIVE UP. I GIVE UO. I GIVE UP. I GIVE UP. I GUVE UP. I GIVE UP. I GUVE UP. I CANT HANDLE ANYMORE.

I AM SORRY I WAS BORN. I AM SORRY THAT I WASNT PERFECT. I AM SORRY FOR STILL BEING ALIVE.

IT IS VERY CLEAR NOBIDY GIVES A FUCK. WHY ELSE WOULD YOU JUST SAY "I THOUGHT YOU WERE OVER IT?" FUCK OROPLE. FUCK LIFE.

THEY WANTED TO SEE WHAT IF FELT LUKE TO TORTURE SOMEONE. I HOPE IT FELT GOOD. I WILL NOT SURVIVE AND, WHO CARES?" I TAKE THE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING ANYWAYS. I CANT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE.

"GI AHEAD, SAY ANGELA NEVER MIES!" When the fuck did I ever say that? The only person around me was. John. He told me that he doesn't lie. That he would have too much to lose if he did. I am sick if being alive. Fuck this.