I Can't Care Anymore
How many times can you be called a loser before you just don't care anymore?
How many times can you be told you lost everyone when nobody wants to be around you anyways before you just stop caring?
How much can you be hurt before you give up?
I am never allowed to feel confident in any aspect of life anyways.
Even if I think I can believe what someone says, too many others, sometimes using the same voice, to tell me the opposite of what I believed. Then they act like they can understand how I could be so confused.
I don't want anyone in my life anymore. In fact, I feel so abandoned and, blamed for shit that I have zero control over that I don't want a life anymore. It wouldn't matter if there were hundreds of people in my life or, none. The feeling is the same and, nobody seems to get that either. The time for people to help me is long gone.
I am no longer able to believe I am a person. I do not believe that anyone cares and, I haven't believed that in a long time.
Everything i do is wrong and, my best is not good enough.
In the end it was ok to bully me to death. Why wouldn't it be?
I don't remember chunks of time and, I get told vicious things about what happened to me during this time period. Told how people I thought I could trust did terrible things to me. Since nobody knows anything, I am stuck uncertain of what to believe.
All I know for sure is
#1 I am not a person. I am an object to hurt and, that is all I will ever be.
#2 Nobody will ever give a fuck about me. They say they do but, they never want to be around me and, they are ready with insults that make me pray for death.
#3 Nobody can help me. Nobody will ever be able to help me and, since I am not perfect, I do not matter.
I lost everyone never loved. EVERY SINGLE PERSON. I can't handle this anymore. They have finally reached their goal.
They are doing something so bad that there is no way to survive. I don't want to try anymore. I hate being alive. I hate myself. I am done trying. What's the point? There isn't one. My life has been destroyed and, there wasn't much I could do.
I have begged for people to stop using my kids to hurt me. Almost two years ago I started telling people I was going numb. I can't connect the dots to my kids anymore. They won't stop and, that's my fault too. It didn't matter how much I begged. It didn't matter how much I kept saying please, stop hurting me by using my kids. They had one goal in mind.
John told me more than once that his mother didn't want me to ever get my daughter back. That she had started calling herself my daughters mother. It is clear that my life with my children is over and, I love them very, very much. I know that people don't believe me but, they really were the best part of my life.
I have lost too much to remain in a place where I know I don't belong. Nothing I say or do is ever the right thing. I know now that love is a bad thing for me to express to anyone. When I do, it only creates so much pain that it isn't worth it. Love has become their ultimate punishment and, this time it hurts so badly that I will never, ever tell another person I love them ever again.