I Am The Watchdog
This Watchdog thing is something that I have said many times before.
They told me that a long, long time ago. John, they said, was the guard dog. He would follow their commands, even if it meant killing me. There are several watchdogs and, guard dogs
The watchdog job is to listen. To hear and, then they hear what I hear. That way when push comes to shove, I am the one that people blame because, I am the one that hears and, they hear me. Only, we don't hear everything. Only little bits. That way we don't actually know anything. I barely know anything. When it is a conversation that doesn't have anything to do with me, not only do they cover it up but, I stop listening. This is why they will play certain things directly in my ear. Although that has, for the most part, almost stopped.
They have said that they "removed" whatever it is that makes it so I am the only one that hears something.
I am sick and, tired of saying the same thing and, hearing people say they didn't know that. I don't know what the hell people hear when I talk but, what is clear is John hears everything I hear with no issues. He has proven that tonight without a doubt.
Now, I am faced with a serious issue. More serious than I realized. Something is so wrong with all of this and, even though I thought I understood the risk involved with trusting people, I definitely did not.
I don't understand why I was forced to be so confused. Kept purposely in the dark about who I am talking to and, what was real that they have done to me and, my children. I get that it is better to keep me confused about John. It would make it way easier for him to cheat on me and, pull some shady shit. Since he denies knowing or, hearing anything at all, I can't ask him for help. He just gets mad at me and tells me that he doesn't understand what is being done to me.
I am losing my mind. If I can't depend on anything I hear being solid and, people are not allowed to talk to me about this in a way that gives me the ability to know who I am talking to or, if the words I hear are the words they are saying, I am fucked.
I am not allowed to hear nearly as much as people think I am and, I am asked all the time "how are you confused?!"
Let's see, who ami talking to? Is what I am being told what is being said? I already know that they change as much as they can. Is what I am hearing true? If it is then, why wouldn't anyone tell me in person? How can you tell someone so many horrific things and, especially when they have little to no support for what they are hearing and, expect them to be able to handle it?
Why am I being blamed for things I didn't do or, say? They just keep using all the same words that they already used on me. At first I thought, since it seemed like they were changing people every fewonths, that they were setting up the newer people. If they all use the same abusive words and, phrases then, there is no real way for me to believe that those people didn't hear and, help from the beginning.
How and, why do they keep doing this? Seriously, the things they have done and, that people know have been done, they should have been arrested immediately for those things. Instead, they taunt me with them all the time. One minute people are admitting they were here and, that I was raped. The next, they are telling me I wasn't raped. How did they get away with this time after time?
What did they do to my children? I am told the worst, most disgusting and, vicious things about my kids, especially my daughter. They admit things they have done to her and, then they blame me for those things. People hear their confessions, what the fuck is going on?!
Why do people keep writing me off? I am not able to understand why I wasn't allowed to see anyone. People have been scolded for letting me know who they are, approaching me in person, they don't say much more than hi but, I still hear them later he scolded. Why wasn't anyone allowed to be around me in person except a few people? I am easy to talk to. I can take a joke and, I can handle whatever they have to say. The few people that tried I ran from crying. Why would I do that? I heard later that one of them especially hurt me. That they put a plastic bag over my head. I do not remember that but, I have heard it more than once so the bag thing must be true. I liked that person and, had a lot of respect for them, why would I run from them crying?
How did I fuck up by continuing to tell people what I have been told? I have said all of these things before so, why are people in such an uproar now? What did I do? I am so hurt. I don't know nearly as much as they believe I do. I feel uncertain if some of the people I hear are actually who they say they are. I am starting to think that nothing is the way I thought it was.
Why do I get out in positions where I am suddenly blamed for things they have done to me? They threaten me, my freedom and, my life over things they did to me!
How can you expect me to not try to figure out what is going on? I already heard that I am kept purposely confused and, left to question who and, what is real. Nothing made that clearer than being told "we let him be real!" Ok, what about everything else? I have two kids and, you tell me that my daughter was molested, that she was drugged and raped, that she has AIDS and,then expect me to sit here and, not try to understand what is real and what is going on. Angela accused John of having AIDS so why am I being punished for it? What is my daughter and son?
Why can't you treat me like a person? I haven't done anything to deserve this. I keep telling you what I am told. I know for a fact that the issue that people hear what I hear has been brought up a lot and, by more people than just me so, why didn't everyone know that?