I Am Not Angela Tracjevski

I am so sick and tired of trying to figure out what the fuck is going on and, why so many people are so angry at me. Nothing makes sense anymore and, it sometimes seems like nobody can hear me at all.

I have tried to let people know the horror that life has become. I have told the truth. I have tried and, nothing makes sense anymore. 

There is a large chunk of time that I do not remember and, I have never blacked out before. I am lost in a world that hates me and, lies to me and I can't figure out why.

They clearly will never stop. I am told that is my fault for not being able to stop using. I am told that, even though they are committing a huge crime against me, I have to solve it and, make it stop myself. No authorities can help. 

I have lost my family. My mom tells me all the time, this way if course, that I am not her daughter anymore. I said once that she wasn't my mom. She doesn't say anything that sounds like the mom I know. She is like a stranger now. John told me how much my family hates me but, thinks he's the best knees. Guess he was telling the truth 

Almost everyone believes the worst things about me. They pick and, pick and, pick and, God forbid I even so much as raise my voice, then I am the bad guy! Then it's all my fault because, it's not what they are doing to me, it's how I react. Noemition other than being grateful while I listen to my world be demolished.

I am having a difficult time understanding how ir, why you would make someone so miserable they can barely leave their home. Make them so miserable they don't feel like they have any value at all. Beat them down until they don't believe they can do anything good enough and, always make the wrong choices then make demands of them. 

I don't say anything bad about anyone. I don't talk shit. I say what is true and, I can't help that I shouldn't have married a man that has lied to me for so long. I rarely say more than that. "Did she blame him?" "Yep!" HOW THE FUCK AM I BLAMING HIM? By saying he is a fucking liar? Oh no, each and, every one of them have said worse to me and, about me. I can't take this anymore. I am losing my mind, everyone keeps walking away from me. I didn't do anything and, I am never going to be able to understand.

How can anyone blame their victim so completely that I am losing everyone that I thought of as people who were kind and, trying to help me. It's hard to understand since I get lied to so much and, I have to try to figure out what is real. I am no longer able to handle the drama, bullshit and, anything else. The smallest amount of stress and, I have to remove myself from whatever is causing the stress. The smallest hint of failing and, I have a breakdown so, because I am so afraid of being hurt even worse I just don't do anything anymore. At least I can't fail at nothing.

Instead of support, I get more lies. I get written off while they talk about my kids and, ask me the most fucked up questions ever. "What about your daughter, don't you love her?" Fuck you. What kind of piece of fucking shit asks a mom who gets for help every God damn day something like that. Of course what kind of person says "If you love your kids you will kill yourself immediately!" So I guess hoping to get people to have helped me before it came to the point where I feel so bad about myself that I sit here all day.

If I say anything about how I am feeling, I am mocking John. John, the man I believed for so long lived me but, in reality knew everything that was going to happen and, everything he says he feels even though I feel the same way, there is no connecting. If I tell him how I feel he makes fun of me. Wouldn't someone who felt this badly be able to empathize? Today is the first time that I finally just do not care what he says he feels. He is a liar who married me and, my life has been destroyed. 

These people have tortured the ever living fuck out of me and, when I tell the truth, even though they have been a part of all of this, they tell me I am a liar. "I turned you in and, I hope you get the help you need!" Hey, thanks. I hope you get the help you need for torturing another human being and, judging them without listening until they have no self worth left at all!"

I was a good person. I was a good mom and, I can't understand why people would attack someone their whole life then, they blame me for everything. I guess this is what my life was for, to save theirs.

I can't take anymore. I feel like the world's stupidest failure. I don't understand any of this and, I am not ever going to. In the end, it doesn't matter. I am a joke. I am so hurt and, no matter how badly I want to be around people I thought of as family, all I do is sleep instead. Now they are fed up with me too. I am sorry, I really don't understand who I am anymore. It's like I am a stranger. It's not anyone's problem but, mine.

Their self righteousness and, the fucked up things they say to me, without anyone talking about this I give up. They keep asking about my kids. How can you ask me if I love my kids? Why would you even ask that knowing they can hear you? Why wouldn't you doctor say things that do not hurt them and, their mother? Each time you ask that, you plant a seed of doubt inside of them. I adore my children. I am doing everything I can and, I am sorry that I can't overcome whatever all of this is.i am sorry I am failing. I never once said I didn't want my children. EVER you keep fucking with my head using them. I said my daughter was unplanned, NOT UNEANTED. Even though people have admitted to the things they have said and, done to me. People just tell me they are trying to help me! Everything about me is always wrong. Anything I say is "just an excuse!" There is nothing more I can do.i am a loser. I surrender. Getting off drugs will not erase the trauma and, it won't make me forget what even my own family let me go through. I needed their help, their support. Instead everything is always my fault and, I am a liar. They change the words that I hear but, everyone else must get the cold hard truth, right? That's how I am treated. Nothing I say could possibly be the truth and, they only change the words I hear, they wouldn't dare lie to anyone else. Fuck it l. Believe what you want to. It doesn't matter and fucking more.

I lost everyone every FUCKING day. I do not care anymore about who I lose. It's not like anyone will talk to me about this. You all have no problem talking to me via a method of communication that I do not understand or, use. You know that it is easily changed and, I do not always know who I am talking to. Yet, it is still this way after five years. I wasn't even worth talking to in person. That is how much value I had in this world.