Gaslighting

It is sad to sit here and, listen to grown ass adults be proud of themselves for being bullies. The sheer enjoyment they are getting out of destroying a life that has already been destroyed is beyond anything I have ever had to deal with 

I guess because I do not know how to use this technology and, they all have whatever information they have on each other, they feel powerful. Above the rules of mankind.

They have proven they believe they are in control and, the power has made these people very interesting to be forced to deal with. 

They have no compassion. No conscience. They know what is best for you and, you had better accept it. They are in control and, you will never be allowed to forget that. At any moment, they will make choices for you and, in most instances, you won't even know they have done so. It's funny though, their lives are no better than mine or, yours or anyone else's. Nobody likes to be controlled and, eventually people will stand up and, rebel.

I love it when they turn whatever they are saying way, way down. It seems foolish to belittle me and, insult me and, then they get upset if I don't answer a question or, if I don't hear something. I answer all their questions. I answered all of John's questions too. He used to get upset with me and, say I never answered him but, I always did. How do you answer a question you have answered a million times before especially when you are being told that you are crazy for not remembering something a different way than it was? 

I used to think that maybe if I worked harder, did more for John, did more for the kids, had dinners at their demanded time, made healthier food, kept the house cleaner things like that, maybe they would stop. I believed that this was being done because, I wasn't good enough. I believed all the fights were my fault. John swore he believed that I wasn't myself. Said he understood that this wasn't the person that I am and, I really believed that he believed me. I feel silly now, looking back there was nothing I could do except try to go slower and, think things through a lot more than I did. 

Try to remain as emotionless as possible. Then, they can't get you to react. The only other way I know helps is, be happy. Happy people don't second guess themselves but, I was happy and, they tell me they still took away my free will so, who knows for sure.

It sucks to think that these people get their jollies by, hurting others. It's like a mission in life. Don't do what they want, punishment. Do what they want, punishment. The ultimate sin, that one seems to be believing that you might know yourself better than they know you. How on earth could you know what is best for you unless they tell you?! It's a sick joke but, this is what they believe. 

For whatever reason, they actually like it when you have no self esteem. They don't want you to be confident, secure, happy or, anything that resembles it. Not all of them, just a part of them. One time they actually told me that if you build someone up, they will leave you because they know they can do better! I guess that could happen. Usually if you and, the person you are with know that you respect and, live each other, you build each other up. You don't just see yourself as amazing and, run off to someone else. For me anyways, it seems when you are unhappy you run off or, get run off on. Maybe I just haven't paid enough attention.

This whole thing feels weird. Unnatural. Why would I want to do things to appease people who want no part of my life otherwise? Just as bad, people who are in your life but, they don't want to tell you how they think you could do better to you. An actual conversation where you sit down and, listen to each other and, share opinions, ideas or, whatever. Somehow, it is better to be talked at instead of being able to talk to each other. It makes the conversation not only awkward but, it is clear that in most cases you are not equals. It comes across as cold, manipulative and, to often times incredibly insincere and, cruel. Again, not always and, not from everyone. Sometimes, you can hear the compassion and, concern in someone's voice. Sometimes, it is clear that someone does care and, is trying to help you do better. 

They like to teach me "lessons," which is fine, I enjoy learning and, I do try to see things from their side as well. Not all of the lessons make sense to me though. At least half the time, the lesson is for someone that used my voice or, I got blamed for something someone else said or, did. It doesn't usually do much good to say anything though. They have heard it all and, it seems they are used to people objecting to their unusual ways. It is difficult to find a lot of resect for some of these people and, when they have the ability to use your thoughts against you, it becomes, at times, beyond what anyone should have to deal with. To some of them, thinking and, talking are considered the same thing. Sarcasm and, being a smart ass are things that do not go very very well. If you are either of those and, you lose the ability to think before you talk, you are screwed.

They demand respect yet, some of them will never, ever have any respect for anything you say. They have no boundaries, at all. If you are in a relationship, the odds of hearing things that will do anything other than make you feel insecure and, hurt are small. Sometimes, the advice they give is really good advice. Things that people who care about you as a person would give you and, things that you probably are better off listening to. Other times, it is just because they need to feel like they have power. It sucks if you don't take the advice those people offer. 

There have been plenty of times, where in person Is noon my mouth and l, blurt out something I only to instantly wonder why I said whatever it was I just said. I don't usually try to just blurt out whatever comes to mind but, it happens. At least in person you can tell by my expression that I genuinely feel terrible and, did not mean to upset or, hurt someone. It doesn't mean that I am forgiven or, anything else but, at least someone knows that you really didn't mean something the way it came out. This way though, things feel hollow. Sometimes forced and, it is difficult to know when someone is being sincere or, just saying what they think they need to so they can avoid any negative consequences. Sometimes, like when they say something horrible then, laugh l, which they more than likely wouldn't do in person l, it is difficult not to get irritated.

When they don't want you to be able to defend yourself or, they have said something that is a flat out lienand, they don't want you to be able to know what they said about you or, be able to respond, they will turn this down, change the words or, just talk over each other. That is if you were able to hear what was said at all. Sometimes, you won't hear someone speaking but, you will know everything they said or, thought. That becomes so uncomfortable that you almost want to ignore it completely, even if you know they are talking to you. It feels invasive and, nosey. Like you are doing something that you wouldn't or, shouldn't be doing. Everyone deserves the right to privacy, especially in their own head. You should be safe inside yourself. 

When woman people deny hearing any or this, it gives them the ability to say anything. You end up living in a world where things could be but, maybe aren't. You may never find out one way or the other. That is the position I am currently in. They say one thing but, in person it's another. Which one is true? You don't want to ignore someone in front of you talking or, call them a liar but, at the same time, you now have conflicting stories. When you know the person in front of you isn't being honest, what do you say to them? How do you explain the information from voices that are all around you? The person in front of you, if you confront them, may continue lying to you. Then, you start to wound and, feel like you are crazy. After all, these are just voices, why would someone in front of you be less credible than voices of people that you can't see. Although, I think that maybe I am one of the few people that can't see anyone.

This has done a lot of damage to my sense of reality, my self esteem, the way I believe people perceive me and, how I perceive them. It has made me disregard things I am told quickly when, I should have been respectful and, made me have a very difficult time believing some things I hear or, people I hear. I know that my disbelief has hurt some people. I regret it, a lot. I wish I could go back and, listen more, believe more but, that isn't what some people wanted. They wanted me to be uncertain. Sometimes this is all real information, sometimes it is all fake, depends on who is talking to you but, there are times you won't know that either. It's like you are in limbo. The whole thing has taken a toll and, I have hurt people I care a lot about. I wish that people felt more comfortable talking to me in person. I can handle the information. I might cry or, my feelings might get hurt but, I do try to listen and, understand why this is being said to me. Unless, I feel like I am being blindsided. Then I know I become defensive and, argumentative. What I can't understand is, I rarely become aggressive. I am a pretty laid back person and, I enjoy listening to people and, I appreciate the different perspective. 

Somehow, with John mostly, almost instantly I would become aggressive, argumentative and, instantly defensive for what seemed like no reason. Sometimes, he would be picking a fight. It would be as obvious as a neon sign. Other times it would be random and, completely unwarranted. It would come as a surprise to me just as much as it seemed to come to him. It caused a great deal of tension and, unnecessary drama. We weren't respectful of each other anymore. We didn't listen with love but, with animosity. We went from being able to talk about anything and not have a problem to, going hours without speaking to each other at all. We would avoid each other and, the tension could be felt. It hurts to know that this, this thing they call gaslighting, seems to take a toll in every aspect of life. 

I used to believe we could work things out but, we have both made different choices. Sometimes, these things happen. It is strange to think something so strange and, unnecessary could do so much damage. Yet, it does and, continues to do so. 

It has caused so much damage that sometimes, you can't get anyone to understand that you are not the person you appear to be. You will end up being hurt over and, over. Sometimes, instead of talking to you and, coming to you with things you hear, the gossip becomes what is believed. Even though they know your every thought, you still won't be believed. That hurts so much it becomes easy to simply give up. It is hard to understand when this happens. It's like, the respect you feel doesn't matter anymore. Someone else's words have become more important than yours. You will be punished for things that you have changed about yourself or, things that you grew up and, outgrew. Patience becomes your only ally in some situations. There is definitely a learning curve. It is all so impersonal yet, more personal then anything else.