All I Asked Was To Be Treated Like A Person

No matter how many times I ask, it's always the same, "I don't understand!" "What you are saying makes no sense!" "You don't follow logic!" Ih, is that so!

Ok, well I am sorry that I am so easy to hurt. So easy to not believe. So easy to lie to and, treat like fucking shit. 

This is never going to end. DIMESTIC TERRORISTS have decided what I need to do for my life and, I no longer have a fucking life. I am never going to be able to get over this. Never going to understand why my life didn't matter to my family or, a lot of other people. It's like, something is very wrong with me and, I am not ever going to be able to feel better. Not ever going to get over so many people who decided that it was better to make me the problem in so many lives and, bow down to whoever they are bowing down to. 

When did it become ok to force people to bully one person until they get what they want! I didn't even want anything except for them to stop doing this. They treat me like I am so beneath them. I am not allowed to meet people. Usually not allowed to know who is talking to me.

"Why would I want you?" "Why would I want that?" There is a whole list of fucked up things they say to me all the time. I have never ibmy life said anything to anyone that is like this. They pick and, pick and if I say one negative thing back, punishment. 

I am so unhappy that I can't take anymore. "Get off drugs!" Oh, ok that will erase all the trauma and, pain. That will make me believe that I am a person again. That will make me have self esteem. No worries though, everything is my fault. 

I do too many drugs. Not really but, since I am the only drug addict in the world, it's all on me. I am too fat, too ugly, too hairy, too stupid, to much of everything bad and, there isn't much good in me I guess.

Last night I had to hear how my daughter was brought to this apartment when they kept me so drugged up (I WAS NEVER IN THE GOD DAMN HOSPITAL) and, that they gave her the same drugs they gave me and, then raped her! Since nobody talks to me about any of this, I have no way of knowing if that is true. They went on to blame someone that I know there is no way he would do something like that. Absolutely no fucking way. Not in a million years. Someone whose family and, brother I care a great deal about. I am sure that will be my fucking fault too. 

I can't understand why it was ok to bully me to death. Why so many people could have just sat me down and, talked to me but, for whatever reason this is t what they chose. It isn't a big deal anymore. There will never be a way to get my life back.

There will never be a way to help anyone, I can't even help myself. How hard was it to treat me like I was a person too?! It was ok to drug me the way they did, kidnap me, assault me, rape me and theyln keep me so fucking confused that I have lost all hope. 

Love is something I am now afraid of. I am not sure I will ever feel any different. No more affection, hugs, kisses NOTHING. I would prefer to not have anyone touch me. Since I get tortured just as badly if I have sex with John, the only person I was having sex with, there is no longer a point in wanting to have sex. 

Nothing in this world will ever fix what damage this has done. Guilt and, sadness, pain that is all I feel anymore. I didn't do anything but, since so much is blamed on me all I feel is guilt for things I didn't do. 

We're all moving on now, ok then. I guess move on. Why would anyone want this thing in their lives anyway? 

I don't know why nobody believes that this has been the worst, most confusing thing that I have ever had to go through. One minute things are one way, the next minute they are the opposite. There is no even ground. Nothing is solid. It all is so wishy washy that I don't want to try to stand up anymore.

How is making someone feel like they aren't a person, that they are alone in this world, that they are just an unwanted thing going to get them off drugs? How does making someone regret being born help that person become a better person. This has destroyed everything I believed. I can't trust myself anymore. I can't trust very many other people. My head is so fucked up I will never get my kids back. I am so disgusted and, disappointed in the person I chose to marry. How could anyone do something like this and, have no conscience. Of course I ask that and, then I am dumb enough to let him come back. I guess like they tell me, I like to be abused. My head is so fucked up. They definitely gave this the right name when they called it a gaslighting. I am fucked no matter what I do.

Without being able to believe what I hear and, without knowing what it, who is real when I hear them, without being able to tell if anything they say to me is something that is true or, if I am just the stupidest cunt in the world I don't see how I have any kids of future. I was looking for a job, getting financial aid ready to go back to school, raising both of my kids and, now,I can't even get enough self esteem to believe that anyone would want to be around me for the length of time I would be near them at a job.

I am so fucking sick of my face. I hate my face. I wish I could but it off and l, fucked no burn it. Destroy my God forsaken face. I am so sick of hearing about how hairy and, ugly I am that I can't handle it.

My heart is broken and, I am never going to be able to be good enough. They tell me every day. I am losing my mind and, I have too little self esteem for anyone to want me I guess. Who knows. It's all my fault for looking the way I do. I don't understand why when I go outside I hear dudes say shit like "why would I want you when I have this?!" Ummm do I even know you? Who are you and, why do you think I want you? I never thought I could have any guy I wanted. I was flattered beyond words and, shocked when I was told that the man that I genuinely am crazy for liked me. Now I get told that was a long time ago. Oh, ok. Well I wish I would have known then. He is a good man and, because of me his family is being blamed for things that I do not believe they did. Without reality, I will never know who did what to me. 

It doesn't matter anymore. I can't stand myself and, I don't understand why I am their target the way I am. I lost too many people and, too much of myself. Until I give a group of terrorists what they want I will continue to lose everyone and, everything that mattered to me. I am not able to be a person anymore. Not able to understand why all these lies about me have taken me down and, why so many people believed them.