Who Blieved In Anything I Said?

Unless I do everything someone else says, I lose. I know that one person never said or, did anything to hurt me, until today. I am not sure how many people believed me about him. I love him and, wanted to share my life, my family with him. For whatever reason, I wasn't allowed to know which person he was. I am sick of being manipulated. Sick of being told how wrong I am. I am not wrong about everything in life. 

I am sorry that people don't understand me. They don't seem to think that I am a person and, that I am trying. I am tired of being beaten down. Tired of people believing the worst about me. Tired of always being tested and, failing. I feel like a failure now. I am not sure why people decided who I am but, since they all know me more than they believe I know myself I guess I shouldn't care anymore about what I believe. I am never allowed to believe in myself. I am told who to trust, who to live, who to think about, I am not supposed to believe in myself. 

Each choice I try to make is ripped apart by so many people. They don't listen to why I made a decision and, I am at the point where I am not sure what to believe anymore. I don't talk shit about anyone anymore. I am grateful for everything and, I try to do what everyone expects and, I don't feel like myself anymore. There are very few times I feel like me and, I am afraid that those moments are gone now. 

I am sorry that I love someone that you didn't think was good enough. Sorry that I didn't put my shoes on when I was told to. Sorry I don't think the way you command. I am trying so hard and, nobody can see that. I can't understand what was wrong with me and, why you didn't think I was good enough when you started doing this. When you made me listen to all of these people beat me down and, demand I change. I have changed. Now I am a thing that even I don't like. I can't do any better, I will just get beaten down for that too. I get tired of being hurt. Tired of being told that I am the person hurting everyone else. 

I am sick of all of this. Someone didn't like that I was a hoot person so now I am not. It's ok for people to manipulate me and make my decisions for me. 

I am sick of being told I didn't do enough for my kids. I can barely survive being beaten down to nothing and, I still try. To tell me that I should put my kids first when all I do is keep trying. Fuck this. My kids were always first. These people have been trying to kill me . I am so beaten down that I am barely surviving and, I still tried. I just never tried hard enough. I can't handle this anymore. You have used my kids to shame me and hurt me for the fucking time. I can't handle this anymore. I used to be someones child too. I used to be a person too. I can't take this anymore. It was ok to hurt me. It was ok to kill me. It was never ok to think about what I needed to survive. I wasn't a person who who fuckjng cares that I can't take care of myself. How am I supposed to take care of anyone else when I can't believe I am a person anymore. When I can't even meet my own needs and, God for id I say I need some else then I am just using them. There is nothing I can say or do that will prove I am a person because, I am not a person. I am an object fr people to use to test their theory's. A thing that has no feelings, no hope, no joy. Just something to manipulate until it is dead. 

They don't care what they have done. They just tell me I need to go to the hospital. They tell me that they don't hear the things I hear so it must be me. Apparently, John told them the "truth" about me. John did nothing but lie to me but, that's ok. As long as everyone believes the worst about me. As long as as everyone walks away from me. That's all these people want. I can't do everything perfectly. I didn't know I had to be perfect. I thought it was ok to be me. I am sick of being beaten down and, not ever bring allowed to know people in person. I am not sure I was supposed to even know the few people I do. I have been hurt so badly and, I can't get prople to believe me. Everyone keeps getting mad at me and walking away. I can't believe in myself. They tell people things using my voice and, I pay the price. 

I am so sick of people walking away from me. So sick of taking the blame for everything. I no longer can handle this. I am sick of being in love with someone and, knowing that these people take pride and joy in making people hate me. That nothing I do is good enough. That I am not allowed to love someone I want to. Not allowed to believe in someone I love. I am done trying I am done caring. I fucking hate the hat this has done. 

Nothing about me will ever be good enough. Nothing I do will ever be what anyone else wants. Nothing about me is what is allowed. I still tried but, it wasn't good enough. 

I can't take anymore. 

FUCK PEOPLE. FUCK LIFE. I nvr once blamed my kids. Not once. This isn't their fault. It's mine for believing I was a person in the place.

They tell me I blame my kids. The life long problems my kids will have become of this. This whole thing is sick. I hate propl. I hate life. I can't take anymore. I am sick of being manipulated. Sick of being hurt. Sick of being told this is my fault. They tell it's my fault because I am on drugs. I am telling you all what I am told and, you tell me I am wrong. I am always wrong so fuck it. I give up.