They Are Psychotic

I am so fucking sick of all of this bullshit. 

They can't leave me the fuck alone and, I can't take any God damn more.

Every fucking time I try to stop using on my own they fucking tormrjt me so God damn badly that I can't take anymore.

They talk about how my daughter was molested. A whole conversation about it.

I hate people so fucking much now. I can't handle this anymore. It's always I am going to be arrested. They are terrorizing me. Apparently, I have nobody at all anymore. I get told that enough that I finally believe it. I didn't do a fucking thing to any of these fucking people. They keep this shit up.

"You're telling me you haven't had sex with anyone? Not even________?" NO, I HAVENT HAD SEX WITH ANYONE IN YHE KAST THREE AND A HALF YEARS AT LEAST. EVEN JOHN ACCUSES ME OF HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I HAVE NOT HAD SEX WOTH ANYONE EXCEPT JOHN. M. BUTTERFIELD WHO I AM MARTIEE TO. IF ANYONE HAS SEEN ANY IMAGES OR, ANYTHING SHOWING ME HAVING SEX EITH ANYONE INCLUDING JOHN M. BUTTERFIELD YOU SHOULD CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES. I AM BEING STALKED AND, TERRORIZED. THERE IS NO PERMISSION TO SHOW ME OR, MY CHOLDREN. 

THESE PEOPLE HAVE TERORIZED ME FOR OVER FIVE YEARS AND, I AM SICK OF ALL OF THIS. 

I AM SUCK OF BEING TOLD THAT I LOST YHIS PERSON OR, THAT PERSON. I AM SICK OF NOT BEING ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS. I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE AROUND ANYONE I WANT TO BE AROUND. I SHOULD BE ALLOWED THE HAVE FRIENDS. I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO LIVE A LIFE THAT IS FREE FRIM TORMENT AND, TERROR. I SHOULD VE ABLE TO TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT WHAT IS BEING DONE YO ME. Instead everyone I talk to tells me I am crazy and, that they don't like anything.

If I wasn't fucking raped then why do you keep telling me I was? I rarely ever bring it up and when I do I get shit in even worse. Normally I just say I don't know because I have no memory of a large chunk of time in my life. You would have to ask someone who knows. But, you keep bringing it up.

I no longer have the ability to handle what these people are doing to me. They never fucking stop and I can't fucking handle this anymore. I have done nothing to them and they have destroyed my fucking life. 

I never know who is talking. I never can tell since they use so many God damn voices. 

John comes here in person and lies to me and torments me. I didn't do a fucking thing to him yesterday and, he steps on my foot then, turns around and, kicks me and breaks my fucking toe. Then, I have to hear how if I call the police and, turn him in he will kill me. All the fucking time, if he goes back to jail, I die? Fuck this.

I get made fun of for having to ask my mom for money. Then why the fuck did you take away every other way I have to make money? John is supposed to come back and, give me half the money for the cans that I collected since that is the last day I have to make money and, I am getting shit on for letting him come back. I need to take my fucking dog to the vet. Why are they tormenting me like this for trying to do the right god damn thing coming thing? What did they do to my fucking dog that they are so worried about me taking he to the fucking vet?

There is nothing on this planet that is worth being tortured for. I keep trying so fucking hard to keep going and, everyone keeps bitching at me and, telling me how much they fucking hate me. Fine, hate me. I have had it anyways. I am completely done caring about life. Why the fuck should I fucking try when everyone hates me? When everyone walks away from meP I am sick of caring about people only for them to blame me and, walk out of my life. I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING. 90% OF YHE THINGS THEY ACCUSE ME OF. Does that matter though, of course not.

Now, I am told that I am not even the person that collected the fucking cans. That I don't walk my own God damn mother fucking dog so clearly I am not the one that collected them. Hahahahaha fuck this. According to these fucking assholes i never do anything right. Never do anything good enough.

Every single mother fucking anyone tells me anything that hurts I then get to listen to "HOW DOES THAT FEEL?" screamed at me. I asked John one day, out loud, to his fucking face "why doesn't anyone ever say anything nice. Oh, you look lovely today, how does that feel?" Nope, it's always something fucked up. Not that, I can prove what I have said and, they all take credit for everything nice I say but, everything shitty is always blamed on me.

So, this is what I have to fucking say, fuck this mother fucking God damn piece of shit world  I lost everyone I loved. I have to hear about it all the fucking time. This person is gone that person is gone, how does that feel?!!! It hurts you dumb ass cunts. It hurts so fucking badly that I will never want another person near me again. Not ANYONE. EVER AGAIN. I WILL NEVER, EVER LET ANOTHER LIVING THING NESR ME AGAIN. THAT'S HOW IT FUCKING FEELS YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT.

I am sick of being hurt. Sick of everyone I loved, cared about, trusted, walking away from me. Sick of being tormented and, TERORIZED and then blamed for it. Sick of being hurt and, then told "so is he!" Since I don't fucking matter to anyone anymore nothing I do should even be noticed. I hate people. I am sick of loving someone and, every fucking day having to hear how he hates me or he is walking away from me or anything else. I am sick of being hurt. Sick of knowing that I don't matter to anyone. My life is just a mother fucking joke. I hear it every fucking day. I am done trying. I am done caring. 

I am sick of hearing how I use people. Fuck people. You forced me to go to my mother since you block every other way of making money. I was told that someone was helping me and, since I am now told that I lost that person AGAIN I am done trying. Did ne being hurt, lied to, abandoned, blamed. 

Five mother fucking years of this. Never, ever bring on solid ground. At any God damn moment they will just tell me how the person I thought I was talking to, the person they said it was, wasn't that person at all. Everything I hear goes through them before it comes to me. They have already proven that they change words, names, not just the sound of someone's voice but, they rhythm too. How can you trust anyone or anything when you can't believe a single word you hear?

Fuck these people. I can't handle this anymore. I have nobody. That as their goal in life. How sad are you when your life goal is to make everyone on this planet hate one person?! I can't take anymore. This is the sickest mother fucking thing I have ever heard of. I thought I could trust someone and, nope. I guess, at least from what I hear, I lost them. I am sorry if the people I thought I could trust weren't the people I thought they were. Since I can't tell who I am talking to I obviously should have made better choices and, trusted someone else. Now, there is nothing I can do. I don't have a clue what is going on or, why the person I trusted and, loved I am told hates me now. The friends I had no longer talk to me because I kept letting John come back. My head is so fucked up from all of this that I don't think I have a future anyways. They made a big point of making sure that I don't even know who I am because they have done this to me for so long. I am 48 years old and, I don't know who I am. HOW DOES THAT FEEL?! Feels like it's time to give the fuck up.

Nobody can talk to me about this anyways. Everyone I ask doesn't know anything. The person that I went to when I felt like life was over write me off and, I can't blame him. It would have been destructive for people to see me take John back time and, time again. It was destructive for me too. I can't even go to my mother,she doesn't know anything either. I am sick of trying to explain how I feel, it doesn't matter anyways. They just tell me how others are tired of me making them feel terrible. That's all I seem to do is make everyone else feel bad.

I hate being alive. I can't take anymore. I never understand what is going on around me. My life is a fucking joke. Anytime I try to get off drugs they destroy me. Not just hurt my feelings but, literally destroy my world. I am so sick of hearing that my daughter was molested. Then, even though they admit they molested her, they blame me. I have even heard they are showing either a recording or images of her being molested! Hello, I AM NOT A CHILD MOLESTER!! Not only did she admit to molesting my daughter, she admitted to molesting someone else's daughter too! Then, like always I am told there is nothing I can do about it. 

She is in a mother fucking rampage at the moment because, I said I would show up at her court date next week. I am so sick of being terrorized that I am willing to do whatever I can, despite being terrified of her wrath. The retaliation I am put through and, others are out through, ever time I turn them in or do anything that may get them caught is too much to keep going through. That's the worst part. If I anger the voices in the air, they terrorize and, hurt people I love. I am responsible for people I love being hurt and, murdered because I didn't do what they commanded. My children are being hurt, my family is being hurt, people I care about and, love are being hurt and, it's my fault because I won't do everything they tell me to or, I turn them in. If I try to tell people what they have done to me, they do it again and, tell me that it's what I wanted them to do or I wouldn't have said anything! How fucking sick is that. Not only did I have to live through it once but, when I try to tell anyone what they have done to me, I have to live through it again! There is no way to survive. T-O-R-T-U-R-E. There is no other word for what these people have done to me.

It is unfair for anyone to expect me to keep trying. I don't care what anyone says. What they have done to me and, continue to do to me is sick. Absolutely disgusting.

Everything they have done to me they turn around and, blame me for! Angela flat out admitted that she tells men she likes and, women she hates that they are hungry. Non stop in fact. Then, when she decides she wants them, she just puts them in a diet. Her fucking words. When she decides she wants them! According to her, nobody is supposed to like fat people! What the fuck. God forbid you enter into a relationship with someone Angela has picked for herself. Even if she doesn't want them now she "maybe, kinda, sorta would want them one day. Probably!" So, they are off limits. You will be terrorized. Even better, she will find people to help her and, then, find people who will cover everything up so, she is under so many mother fucking layers that nobody can get to her. When she gets caught and, she has been caught before. She almost killed someone in Idaho which, is why they left Idaho and moved to Carson City, NV! According to what I hear, she is the person that picked where to move. It was her that picked Carson City, NV. Ask her why if you ever get the fucking chance!

Once you confront her though, she will point out every single person that helped her. If you accuse her, immediately she and, the person that has been helping her, will start blaming anyone and, everyone else. "Angela, you did this!" Her response "So did Tracy!" or ""Tracy has been helping me!" So, what do they do? They convince other people to start doing this. Then, once they have caught others doing this or, doing something else that they have usually either set them up for or, removed their free will and, convinced them to do, people are stuck. Especially people they have caught doing this. It has come to the point that I can't fucking stand people. Every single time I learn to trust someone I either fuck it up or, they weren't who I was told they were. There is no longer anything inside of me that wants to try. I am sorry. I truly am sorry but, I can't handle the pain anymore. I am done being hurt. This has cost me everyone that I cared about. My kids are gone. I won't even be able to raise them. My friends are gone. I can't take the pain anymore. I am sorry that I didn't know and, then picked the wrong person. I am sorry that I hurt people that I do care about. I just don't care about myself anymore. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be forced to listen to how they are hurting people and, I am tired of taking the blame. I am sorry I am a drug addict. I have tried to get off drugs and, if you can hear what is being dine then maybe you can understand just a tiny bit. 

Rehab would have been fine if they hadn't found so much happiness in locking me up and, making sure to tell me all the ways they would destroy my life and, continue to torture me while I was locked up. How I would just have to sit there and, listen to people destroy everything and, everyone I had left. Which is what I do anyways. 

All day I have had drugs in my possession. All day I havejt even thought about those drugs! That isn't good enough though. I got up, cleaned out a cupboard. Went back to sleep. Got up and ate, back to sleep. Got up and bought cigarettes and, went back to sleep. This morning I said goodbye to John for the final time. I thought I was going to be able to get through a few days and, things would be okush. At least I would have proven to myself that I can do something right.

Instead, I wake up and, as always TORMENT. I listen to someone I know talking to the woman who has admitted to molesting both if our daughters. Then, as always I am hated by people I loved. Cheated on as if that is something that bothers me anymore. Told stupid shit about John who I can't fucking stand after yesterday and, what happened. I couldn't stand him before but, I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since nobody else wants to be around a drug addict. I can't blame people for that. Especially people who are sober now. Nobody wants to be sucked back into the void of drugs. I keep trying and, failing. My kids are stuck in a position where they have been tormented and, terrorized. So have their friends and, schoolmates. I have to sit here and, listen to people telling me that their class and, the class of their friends had to watch pornography of me! How in the fuck can that be something that happens?! How can anyone continue to get away with things like this? I am told it's my fault. Because I am a drug addict they can't be stopped.

Not only will they torture me while in rehab John has made it very clear I will lose everything he did and, more. They also need a record of my drug use, in case I haven't been open and, honest enough. That way all the times they say that I am having drug induced hollucinations can be backed up. My own family has been part of this. Part of the people that offer no support, only ridicule and, negativity. 

They seem to ignore the fact that my brain has some serious problems that do not come from drugs. Why is it that when I am high my brain stops? I go hours without thinking anything. I hear others talking but, that's it. I have no thoughts on what they are saying. It is difficult to get very many people to believe me.