The Effects Of Constant Negativity From Domestic Terrorists

I was a happy, loving person. I loved the person I was. I didn't know that people were watching me. I didn't know a lot of things. 

I cut out the people that were negative. People that lied to me. People that did not have goals for their future and, who did not do anything but, drag me away from the foalsi had for my future.

I was a loving mother. I tried to be there when they needed me and, let them learn how to also become their own best friend. I tried to teach them to accept themselves and, who they truly are. Even if they were picked on for being different than the person picking in them. Do not ever change the wonderful person you are because, someone else doesn't understand you. I wanted them to learn to celebrate the differences that we all have. I wanted them to know that they can learn from the differences, they didn't need to change who they are and, neither does anyone else. We all have similarities and, differences. When we make mistakes and, when we fail, all we can do is learn from what has happened, pick ourselves back up and, try again. I needed them to know that the greatest gift we can give ourselves is FORGIVENESS. We are not defined by the mistakes we make and, we do not live our lives feeling guilty for those mistakes. We learn and, make changes to no recreate the mistake and, WE MOVE FORWARD! 

There were so many things I wanted to teach my children. I believed there would be time. Time to do all the things in my head. Time to help them do all the things in theirs. Time to teach them and, time to learn from them. I was wrong.

I never thought about what could be done to destroy my family. Negative thoughts were not part of my life. Negativity happens but, I tried to pay attention to the positive. All the things that made life so amazing and, beautiful. All the things that the people who attacked us ignore or, believe that they deserved and, we somehow prevented them from getting. I never thought that our happiness would be a main reason to want us there die. Now, I know better. Now, I understand that helping loving and, trusting and, happy was something that made us an easy target. Being someone who simply accepted who people are and, tried to help connect them with whatever made them truly happy was a flaw. It made us an easy target.

After five years of the most crippling negativity being shoved into my head with no way to prevent it. No way to get anyone to talk to me, be around me, care that we are innocent, the toll it has taken is astronomical. The worst part is, it all could have been prevented and, even if it couldn't have been 100% prevented, it could have ended along time ago. It didn't have to end this way. 

I used to love the woman I was. I had flaws. I know this. I saw them. I had two choices. Accept that there was nothing I could do about those things I saw as flaws or, work on making changes. I did not point them out to others though. Maybe what I saw as a flaw, someone else saw as something beautiful. It has happened to everyone, I am sure. You talk to your spouse, friend, partner and, they point something out. Maybe something you didn't even notice. Then you notice it. Then, you notice it more. Then, it becomes something that stands out. Now, your flaw is also the flaw they see in you. I didn't want my kids to do that so, I didn't do that.

It never once occurred to me that people would purposely destroy what we loved so much. Family. The thing that meant more to me than anything else. The thing that they have attacked and, used against us. We are there people fractured. Three people that once were so close the thought of anyone coming through like a tornado and, ripping is apart was something that was never thought about. Now, we barely speak to each other. The silence is not something that I can deal with. I used to talk to my mom all the time. If I didn't talk to her, she talked to me. My kids were the most important part of my life. Everything I believed, I believed because I wanted them to believe. I needed them to believe in themselves. I needed them to know that they are amazing people and, we all make mistakes. That they need to be able to get back up. That people, for the most part, are kind and, willing to help people who help them. Willing to put themselves out there to help someone who needs the help. I wish I hadn't believed that and, I wish I hadn't taught them that.

I have been so beaten down for so long that I can no longer be there for anyone. When I try, I end up paying a price and, usually so do the people that I care about. People who help me, even strangers, end up being hurt. It has gone so far that people who pass me in the street and, say hi, pay a price. See me and, think anything nice, anything complimentary, you pay a price. I have learned that the only thing I can do to make these people stop hitting others is to stay by myself and, not try. If I take care of myself, I am torn down. When I look in the mirror, torn down. God forbid I compliment myself. That is one of the worst things I could ever do. I will be kicked down for days for something like that. I have asked these people if there is anything good about me? When they look at me do they see anything worth anything. Nope. Everything about me is wrong. Unless I am completely miserable, they will not only attack the fuck out of me but, anyone who is near me. I had hoped I could help strong enough to deal with this until these people could be stopped. Even after all of the horrific things that I have been told. I still kept trying. 

After the conversation that John just had with me I realized that the things everyone swears didn't happen if I ask them, all these things that the "voices" in the air around me, the things they so proudly tell me they did or, others did to me are true. It's all things that have been done to me. Why? Your guess is as good mine. They started attacking me BEFORE I had children. Using my kids, just another part of their "game!"

I have been stupid. Gullible. I am an idiot. I have no memory ofost of the things I am told. Not even a whisper. Nothing. I am told that these things have been done to me. When John yells at me and tells me things he wants to do to me, I am told those things have already been done! How disgusting is that? I beg this man I loved and, married. This man I left into our home. Let me children think was a good man that lived us and, all he ever tells me is that he doesn't know anything. Then, he says these things. Things I didn't really believe could have been done to me. Things I didn't believe people would or, could do to others. 

This group of people that include people I thought of as family, friends. People I loved. People I trusted. How many others, like me, were hurt or killed because someone in this group was jealous of someone else? How many people were set up? They have proven they can and, do remove free will from others. They have proven they can and, do pretend to be others so effectively that my own mother couldn't tell when it was me talking and, when it was a John. At least that is what it sounded like. He is yelling at me, I hear my mother's voice say "that's enough Jenn!" This group who warned me that I would die and, become the fall guy for everything they have done. 

I told John, he said he wouldn't let that happen. He thought it was funny. Absurd. I loved him and, I believed him. I wish I hadn't. John's lies and, the abuse of a severely toxic relationship have been another later that has caused too much damage. He honestly told me that I would never get my kids back if I kept telling people I was hearing voices. He has made fun of me and, defended the woman who was so jealous of me that she wanted me to die from the moment I told him what was happening. Every person I have ever asked, they all have told me the same thing. I am crazy. I need therapy. That the "voices are drug related." My mom swears she doesn't know anything. She just says get off drugs. These "voices" even tell me this is all my fault and, couldn't be stopped because, I am on drugs! It is my fault and, ultimately my responsibility for everything they have done because, I am a drug addict. People have been murdered and, if I hadn't been on drugs, all of this could have been stopped. 

I have no support system. They point that out every once in a while. I have no way to fully know what they have done to my children. John clearly knows everything but, he hates me. He blames me for all the things that have happened in his life since we have been together. Even though he knows what has been done, it's my fault. I am so tired of all of this. Tired of being so hurt and, without people in my life I have to just give up.

I know I am weak. I lost my family. I lost my world. It has done something to me to hear all of the unending bullshit and, then be blamed for it all. They want to pin everything on me, go for it. At least they have to stop then. My kids will be safe from all of this. Everyone will. 

I have become a nothing anyways. I hate myself more than anyone knows. If I take care of myself or, try to be me. I get beat down even more. They have hurt me beyond what I can handle and, I don't want to be a person anymore. I don't think that I will ever feel like someone anyways. I became a thing that was easy to hurt. Hurt is almost all I have felt for five years. I am shamed when I take myself as a person. Shamed when I do anything because, there are now so many people that I will always hear the negativity. The way I think has changed. The way I see other people has changed. Too many times I get lied to them I am blamed for everything. The damage has gone so deep that, even when they leave me alone, I am still so depressed I can't do anything right. Then, I have to hear about how I dont love my kids. How my children aren't mine anymore. I am so depressed that I can't take anymore. I say that same thing all the time and, it only makes them stronger. 

I am sorry. I don't know if anyone understands. I don't know if anyone can handle the things that I feel. I am too damaged now. I will never be able to be myself. I don't know if I can care about myself without knowing that at any moment, they will start in on me or my children again. "This won't end until she is dead!" Thst is about me! That is simply the truth. That is what is real. I hate myself for everything I have become. I hate that so many people believe all the terrible things about me and, even though the things they have admitted they have done to me are edallxactly what they are doing, I am still blamed. "Should have got off drugs!" Drugs were not a reason this was done. 

Too many people lied to me when I needed them the most. Everything became my fault. I stink. I don't take care of myself I can't be there for anyone else. I dropped the ball and, everyone in my life suffered because of it. People I loved were hurt because, I don't bring anything good into anyone's lives. In fact, I am going to guess that not one life is better because I was in it! They got away with torturing me and, blaming me for the things they have done to me.

"You lost _______!" Myself. I know that it doesn't mean a whole lot to many people but, they hurt me so badly I lost myself. What kind of people admit things, then punish you if you try to make them stop? Torture you and, say the most vile, disgusting things but, it you say one word back, you are the bully. I am the problem. "If there had been no Jennifer, none of this would have happened!" That is probably true. All of these things have been done because, I was alive.

It didn't worry anyone that they have a wall of mutilated pictures of me. It didn't bother anyone that they stalked me, harassed me, drugged me, raped me, kidnapped me and, whatever else they have done. They did this to more people than just me and, my children. I would imaginesince they admitted to using my name and, my voice that, I am responsible for that as well. 

I was told they used people who felt guilty to raped me. Used people. To them, that means they removed their free will using them like puppets. I tried to be there for people. I am sorry that in the end, I failed the people I loved the most. I can't take anymore. The things they have done and, the way they have done it has left me with no way to do anything but, be destroyed. I am sorry that I feel like I am worthless now. I know I can't do anything right, I am told that hundreds of times a day. It must be true, I hear a lot of people saying that. People who in person have lied to me about all of this. 

All this time, I have been lied to by so many people. All this time these people have done terrible things to me and, my children. I can't handle the non stop abuse. Their words stay now. Their words linger. I am sorry that I needed people around me that loved me and, wanted the best for me. People that I don't hear talking shit about me beyond my back because, that only made things worse. I wasn't able to be the kind of person that deserved to have people who were like that around me. 

Oneinute I was raped, the next I wasn't. I am not even allowed to know my own fucking life. When I tried to get off drugs, they did exactly what they said they would. I needed to be punished for things that happened to John. There was no way to survive. They tell me to bam the liar. That the things I hear are not what is being said. That if I had just been able to get off drugs. Go to rehab where it was already made clear I will be locked in a place where you can't do anything to protect what little life I have left. "Just like John was!"  

Everything John swore he didn't blame me for, he did. He told me so many times that he knew I was there for him. That he was grateful for the books I sent him, the video calls we did, he said he was so grateful and, all these kind, loving things. Only to throw everything in my face and, lie to me. Only for menti be tortured for the exact opposite of everything he told me while he made fun of me and, lied to me. 

He was very clear, he didn't care what I did, he didn't expect anyone to be faithful for that amount of time. Asking as he got his second chance and, he used his second chance to kill me. He even called me "supermom" after he got back from prison. Then did everything he could to hurt me anyways. The lies and, manipulation will never stop and, he made sure that I will never be able to trust anyone again. I will never be able to believe that someone could live me without them being either hurt or, being manipulated themselves. 

I feel responsible for the things they have done. I feel responsible for the people they have hurt. I feel stupid for not realizing how badly they were manipulating others

To fall in love with someone and, then find out the ways John not only pretended to be that person but, how he has manipulated our relationship and, the things he has done to get that person into my life.bi feel so stupid. 

I was told in the beginning that when this was done I would never be able to believe that anyone loves me again. 

I would never be able to believe that I could be loved again.

Angela said this has been done to her. That  Tracy and, the rest of Johns family did this to her. She said that is why she deserved a second chance with him. Because, he never got to know the real her. That she wasn't the weak, pathetic person people saw her as and, she was going to make me seem the way people see her and, she was going to become me. Then everyone would love her and, hate me. She said that she told John he was marrying the wrong woman, that she was the "better woman" and, she would prove it.

She kept demanding to get him back. "Nobody will believe I/Angela did this!" Said both ways. I guess they didn't believe it. 

I can tell you that having this done to me I damn sure wouldn't do this to someone else. 

Angela, John and, Tracy have all admitted toolesting my daughter. Angela used my voice to accuse a shit ton of people of molesting her. Every time I talk to my mom, she says everything is fine and, that she doesn't know anything about what is going on. I tell her people are hurting me and, she says I need to get help if I believe that!

My family knew what was being done to me, even before I did. They lied to me so badly and,now they are blaming me. I am told that I have no idy and, I believe that too. I am told I used people. They left me no way to get a job, make any money except the money that someone who did believe m⁰)e for a little while helped me make. At least that is what I was told. I am left with very little way to believe anything. Tortured until I finally can't take anymore. 

I had a difficult time believing that the man John pretended to be was who he said it was. Not because this man couldn't be like that but, because I met him twice. He was kind and, polite. How could so many people lie to me like this? I didn't do anything. They accuse me of molesting children now too. I give up. Everyone I love is gone. I can't trust myself and, I can't believe that anyone could live me without them manipulating that person. 

Things I said were manipulated into something else. Everything my body did or, anything like that, they microanalyzed and, now I am hyper aware of every movement my body makes. I am told if I was truly traumatic I wouldn't realize what my body was doing. They say because I asked John who lived upstairs I did that same thing to him. I know he knows who people are. He knows who is hurting me and, he knows his lies and, abuse have almost killed me more than once. Yet, he sits here so smug and, not a care in the world.

He makes fun of me all the time. Calls me a snitch and, tells me he will kill me if I turn him in. He hasn't been concerned at any point that he will be arrested or, in any way have anything done to him for the things he has done to me, my children and, others. More than once I heard he turned in his whole family but, they "took care of that?" I also heard, as part of his deal, he could kill me and, wouldn't be charged with my murder! What kind of deal is that?!

These people, they have done this to a lot of others. That is obvious, even if they hadn't admitted it. I have been some kind of thing stuck in the middle of a battle I have never been a part of. A battle I don't understand and, don't want any part of. 

The things they have done to use me to catch or, hurt others is mind blowing.  It didn't matter to people in my own family of I died. Nothing mattered to a few of them except, getting away with things. They also admitted to murdering people. They have done unspeakable things. They go "way back"!with some of these people. Far enough back that others could have had a far different life had they done something to prove they were on the side of good instead of evil.

My own Uncle told me that my dad was given a choice, him or, me. When my son was a baby, he had severe GERD. Baby acid reflux. The doctors at Carson Tahoe Pediatrics out him on medication for it. The medication caused him to have severe diaper rash. We had to take him to Renown Medical Center and, they put him in a different medication. When we went to Missouri when my son was around two months old,bee had to get his prescription refilled the pharmacist at Walgreens in Cape Girardeau l, Missouri said he was curious why the dose was so high but, since that is all he said and, my son seemed fine, the GERD and, rash had gone away.  The pharmacist only said that and then handed us the rx. The doctor had always answered every question we had and, she was an excellent doctor. This was a very stressful time since we had to make an emergency trip to Missouri because my dad was in the hospital. He was so ill that even though he needed quadruple bypass surgery, they couldn't do it until they had stabilized him enough to survive the surgery I that took a week. When he saw the doctor the morning of the surgery, we had a serious concern there too. The doctor was reported as one of the best. When he went to talk to my dad about his surgery though, the doctor somehow thought he was having a VERY different operation than open heart surgery. My dad and, mom 2 had to remind him what surgery he was there for. There were complications from the surgery and, they weren't able to do all of the things they were planning to. My Uncle and, I talked to the surgeon after the operation. We were the only two in the room with the doctor at that time. My Uncle was a firefighter/EMT and, I am pushy and, needed to know what was going on. Hindsight, why was it just the two of us. I know my mom 2band, brother were both a nervous wreck but, there was other family there as well. He was determined to get out of the hospital as quickly as possible. The be the fastest recovery time and, he was released about a day and, a half after surgery. 

In the end, everything about me makes someone mad. No matter how hard I try, I keep doing too many things wrong. I feel like I am too disgusting for anyone to care about. Too pathetic and, worthless for people to talk to me instead of at me. I chose to give John a second, third, fourth chance and, that only has made things worse. I get told he didn't want a second chance, that he is constantly cheating one, that he has never loved me and, has cheated on me starting less than a week after he moved in. The constant chanting of "trust your husband" and, the harassment has hurt. I feel like a stepping stone. Just someone until someone better comes along. I know who I a I know that I am not doing very well right now I can barely take care of myself and, my kids are suffering because of it.

I have never been in a position where so many people have so much to say about how I am. I wasn't this way before. It is stupid to say how I am doing worse. Of course I am doing worse. I can't take any more. I don't care about life anymore. I married a man who never loved me. Fine with me. I give up. I can't handle this anymore. I don't want to risk letting anyone into my life now. I am sick of listening to people I loved blame me. Sick of listening to them get hurt. Sick of never doing anything in the right order. 

Clearly I was stupid to have ever believed in myself. Stupid to have believed that anyone could care about me. I am so sick of being lied to and, hurt. They won't stop until I die and, life sucks. It won't ever get better. John even tells me as long as there is air in his lungs I will always hear voices.Inwill always be tortured. The man I once considered the best mani had ever met killed me. 

I fell in love with theanhe was pretending to be but, I am not ever going to be someone that can be loved. John has made sure I know my value and, my place in this world. 

It was ok to do all of this to me. I wasn't a person to begin with. 

With nobody else being able to talk to me and, the words, names and, people's voices being changed all the time, there was no hope. My life is just a joke. I am just a joke. 

I hate being alive. Luckily, nobody wants me to be alive, at least from what I hear. I am blamed for everything. I have no clue if the few voices I hear are just the people doing this to me or, if there are people who know I didn't do anything. 

I do not want my kids to be told all kinds of fucked up things. These people have hurt so many people. If I die, they say they will stop. My life doesn't matter. Everyone hates me. I can't do anything right. Even my mom knew what they have done and, continue to do and, didn't care. She even knew they poisoned me and, I don't want to always worry about being a target. That is what I have become.

A target for their hatred if their own life. I have to die so Angela can be happy. Those are the actual words that were said to me. 

These people know the truth  They know I didn't do anything. They know that I am just anstupid cunt that they have used to get away with everything. 

I can't seek out anyone. Can't run around looking for people. Anyone I trusted I am told terrible things about and, I can't defend people enough. I am too hurt and, too depressed to want to believe that someone somewhere might still believe I am telling the fucking truth. How stupid of me to think that I didn't deserve to die just because I am a drug addict. At least I wasn't a murderer. I wasn't a child molester or child abuser. I wasn't a lot of the things that I am accused of . 

Since I am not a person and, I have no feelings for tbeas ok to use people I loved to hurt me. It didn't matter anyways. Who would want that? That's all I am, just a that. Not a person.

I don't want to live. I don't want to remember how badly I needed help but, I couldn't track people down. Told that I deserved to be lied to because I am a liar.

I was stupid to have loved anyone. Just in case I wasn't hurt enough, they once again prove that it doesn't matter what anyone says to me. The goal is to hurt me. To keep me beat down and, "in my place!" To love someone who hurts you and, then he told "now you can kill yourself!" Only proves that they will never stop hutting me. Only proves how pathetic my life is. Just in case I wasn't hurt enough, let's just make sure we twist the knife so that there will never be a way to feel like a person. Everything was just to make sure I hurt just a little worse. That's all everyday is anyways. Just an opportunity to prove that I am too worthless to be allowed to live. 

I knew that it was a risk to trust anyone. That after everything was said and, done things probably wouldn't be what I had hoped. I loved this person though and, I thought he loved me. I would have swore, like I did, that he loved me. They pretended to be him so fucking much and, like anyone else I cared about, they used him to hurt me. I am not able to believe in myself anymore. The things they have done, they can't be undone. 

The non stop verbal abuse, a lifetime of therapy won't fix it. 

John Butterfield turned out to be such a pathetic man that if you have any kind of argument, disagreement or, say anything negative to him or about him, other people, people you love will be hurt. He can say anything and, everything to you but,  you are only allowed to smile and, enjoy the abuse. Then, it will all be your fault anyways. John is perfect and, you are not. It sucks that these people will blame him for all kinds of things and, you aren't allowed to even ask him about it. If you do you are punished for not trusting him and, told things like if you look like me you shouldn't ask anything just be happy someone wants to be around you.

God forbid you tell the truth. If I don't let them get away with the things they have done to me, they threaten me. Jail, death, hurt my kids or others that I care about. I am afraid to care about people. It is better than nobody is on my life. If I don't care about anyone, they won't hurt anyone. 

They killed people I knew. Why? Because I wouldn't kill myself. They told me that I made them do it. That people would blame me because I didn't want to die! I thought after they admitted it, they had stopped. I thought it was ok to care about others. Ok to divorce John and, love on. Ok to look forward to the future for the first time in a long time. 

I am being murdered. Just tell me to keep doing drugs and that I'm too fat to stop and everything else that is just hurtful and, insulting.

I am happy to be getting away from the people doing thism I am never good enough. Even my best isn't good enough. I have no choice left. Stopping drugs won't erase the pain of all of this. Therapy won't give me back my life. I will forever be afraid that this will keep going. I can't have anyone, including my kids, in my life. Everyone around me gets hurt and, apparently everything is my fault. I am too weak to keep turning people in, the retribution is too much. I am glad that everyone is moving on and, walking out of my life. 

I will fear asking for help and, worry about what if something worse happens. I couldn't get anyone to talk to me or, be around me now. Why would it get better some other time? They know they are killing me but, it's a game to them. I no longer have the ability to believe anyone. Anything nice or, good I will question. 

I don't want to understand people. I do not want to understand why it was ok to do this to me or, anyone else. If there was anyone who was on my side besides the two people that also do not want me around and, a few others that I don't know, if they are still there, it would be a miracle. I do not care why they did this or, why so many people lied to me.

There is no possible way to be a person again. I am the problem.babgrouo of murderers, rapists, child molesters and, torturers but, I was the problem! 

I was taught a very different way and, I guess it was the wrong way. When push came to shove, it was ok to kill mem I am nothing. A nobody that they have made realize I am a nobody. It was ok to spy on me and, then use everything that was said privately, often times not even by me, to make me seem like thebworst thing in the planet. 

It was easy to blame me. After all they have done this to me most of my life so, they already knew what would happen. As long as they can get away with it, they will. As long as they can pick on me they will. 

I am never going to be able to get my kids back. I am never going to be able to live a normal, productive life. Their admissions l, I was told, were made to protect me! I am done trying to get away from the abuse. I should have stopped trying when Tracy told me the only way to get away from the abusers was for me to die! She has said that she is better at this so, everyone listens to her. I have been abandoned to live through the abuse and, I don't understand why people didn't talk to me. They say things like "we thought you knew!" or "John told you the truth." I'm done being told vile things with no way to know if it's true or, not. Was I raped? Yes. Kidnapped? Yes. It's ok though, as long as everyone kept telling me they didn't believe me and, they didn't know anything. 

A lot of people were hurt so much worse than I was. A lot of people lost a lot more than I did. I am sure that there is a reason that this has happened. A reason why everyone I loved didn't want me in their life. A reason why it was ok to say things then, blame me for it. A reason to torture me that somehow makes me a better person. They keep telling me they did this to help me. After five years, I still haven't found the silver lining.

At one point I thought for sure that going through all of this was going to somehow bring about something so good that my family would be able to move past the trauma. That something so amazing was right there. I wasn't able to accept that though. I wasn't able to figure out when it was the good person it, people pretending to be him. I thought there was help surviving and, that some of that help was going to be there but, the pain that came from others is too big. There isn't a way to have a future. There wasn't a way to believe that I was something worth caring about.

I never had the problems that I have now before. Never had so many people hate me and, actively do things to keep me "in my place." 

I will never have to hear "cuz Jennifer didn't do anything to Sophia again(" There are quite a few things that I won't ever have to hear again. I already know that there isn't very much about me that is good. It's my fault that everyone walked away from me. It's my fault for them removing free will. John is right, he didn't deserve to lose Angela as a friend. I just wasn't "wife material" according to him. I couldn't get him to sign divorce papers and, they insist he wanted another chance so, it didn't matter what I wanted. 

I wish I had been able to avoid feeling this much pain. No matter how nice I was, it always ended in an argument. Always ended with me doing or, saying the wrong thing and, causing an issue. 

I get to listen to people giving me away and, nobody wanting me. When someone did, I had to listen to even worse things and, I had to give up. There is no point in so many people being hurt just because I didn't have the strength to kill myself. 

I am the worst thing that could exist. Because of me they couldn't be stopped. Because of my remaining alive, other people died. My kids lost out on being part of a loving, happy family because of me. Everything I could do wrong, I did. This is the only way to prove that I love the people I said I didm it's the only way to make them stop doing this. I am sorry that I was too stubborn to make them stop sooner. I really am sorry. Nobody should have been hurt just to get me to do this.