Sex
There isn't much in my life that is more humiliating and, hurtful than having sex.
I am told the worst things about myself. Humiliating things about how I look and, about how I smell and, taste. Actually, they don't exactly tell me. I just heard them talking about it.
Then, afterwards and, sometimes during, I have to hear how nobody wants me. John can't even give me away. My body is too disgusting. I let myself go, ect.
John watches and, talks to other women while we are having sex and, he pretends he is talking to me, saying kind things but, it's obviously to them. He will talk about their pussy and, pretend he is talking to me. He tells them he loves them, how special they are. Once, I stopped and, tried to get up and, he didn't notice until I was half way up!
He can barely orgasm. His family has told me that he can't keep his dick hard because I am so disgusting.
It is so humiliating and, hurtful that I dread having sex. Even knowing John wants to have sex makes me feel uncomfortable and, gross. Who would want to be with something like me? I have never in my life felt this bad about myself.
They tell me I have to have surgery to remove my excess skin. How, I need to do so many things different. They constantly call me a whore. How exactly am I a whore? It is very clear that I am by far the worst thing on the planet to have sex with.
"Every time we have sex she gets worse!" The gem from today!
John denies every single thing that is being done. There isn't anyone to talk to about all of this. If I try to talk to John about any of this, how hurt I am or, anything else, he will only deny everything and, blame me.
I have no desire to be alive anymore. If I say no, I get punished for that too. Either way my life sucks.
They find happiness in telling me how I am just a sex slave how, John and, my brother, drug me and, lets other men into the apartment to do whatever with me. I have been told whatever they drug me with is some kind of combination of rohypnal and, molly and, spice. It doesn't seem like I am drugged, at least that is what I have heard. I guess I am somehow hyper sexual and, I am told over and, over that I wasn't raped. THEN WHY TELL ME THAT I WAS?!
I am so miserable that I want to die. I want to go as numb as possible. I am not the person I was. I am not sure I am a person anymore. I am a worthless piece of fucking shit who was stupid enough to have thought I married the man of my dreams! The love of my life! What a pathetic joke I am.
I wish I could have had a normal life. A life where I didn't have to worry about being picked on like this. It is not something that you can just "get over" this is something that will cause me issues for the rest of my life. So many people can see me and, hear me and, I don't want to go outside anymore. I don't want to be seen. I don't want a life like this. Their solution is to get off drugs. Then how can I go numb? How can I deal with any of this when so many people keep denying it is even happening.
To make today even better, I guess I lost someone else. Perfect. Absolutely perfect