Only So Much

I can't trust anything I hear. They change too much before it gets to me. 

I am not going to run around in the freezing fucking cold trying to find someone. I am tired of being picked on. Tired of failing my kids and, the people I loved the most. Tired of feeling so fucking stupid all the time. 

I can't keep living like this and, since I already know I fail at everything I try, I can't keep trying. They have destroyed my life.

Apparently, it's my fault. How can voices of people who don't want to be around me make demands and, then expect that I can understand. I am not sure how many people know just how badly these bitches have fucked with my head. It is bad. Probably the worst thing that can happen to someone. 

I have no idea why I wasn't worth talking to in person. They know that they change the words and, lie to me so much that I am left in limbo. I feel stuck in a life I no longer want. Not a person, just a thing to boss around. I can't even pick up dog food without being so harassed that I end up in tears and, have to leave. There is always a hoop I have to jump through. Something I have to do to find someone who is never there. I have to navigate a maze of lies to try to find someone. I can't handle this anymore. I don't understand what is going on. I don't understand what is wrong with me. Just supposed to follow clues that I miss half the time and, so t understand almost all the time. Lied to and, hurt in person by people I should have been able to trust.

I can't get anyone to really understand that they hurt me. I can't follow commands from the air. I don't know where anyone is or, usually what they look like so tracking someone down is not going to work anyways. If they don't say something then I won't know who they are. 

I am told that I am not the kind of woman that a man would want to find. A man won't come to me, I have to go to them. My self esteem is almost gone. I keep trying but, any time I show self esteem I get hit hard it's like a semi truck of insults. 

Who would want that?

Nobody loves something like you

You are ugly, fat, stupid, mean, hairy, look like a melted candle.

It goes on and, on. They knew each thing to pick on me for until I sound like a pathetic whiney bitch. 

They tell me it's my fault that I have nobody. It's my fault they have done this. It's my fault I lost everyone. 

In my entire life I have never heard of abuse like this. They tell me they did the right thing l. That someone had to do this to me!

For whatever reasons, when I ask anyone about all of this they don't know anything. There is nothing I can do if I can't hear someone.  They expect more than I can do. I can't control what I hear. I'm sorry. I really am.

Love and, life are not nearly as complicated as these people are making it.