Never Trust Anyone

There is no way I can ever trust anyone again. No exceptions. No more trying to believe. No more trying to continue to care. Nothing. It isn't worth it. I get upset and, there is nothing more than I can do. 

Drugs. They made it very clear nothing will make them stop. I can't handle the nonsense and, bullshit and, lies anymore. I never know who I am talking to. Is it the person they say it is or, is someone pretending to be someone else? There is no way for me to know and, I can't care anymore. 

My mother tells me she doesn't know what is going on. Same as John, she swears up and, down then, let's my daughter watch people terrorizee me. It's ok so funny to them and, to me I feel like I am drowning and, people are just watching me and, pointing 

If this is so fucking important why lie to me like this? Why keep me so miserable that I pray for death? How can anything be real? I can't keep trying only to be shit in so badly that I am left wishing I was able to kill myself. I can't seem to find the strength but, I can tell you nothing on this planet is worth surviving this. 

I am clearly too stupid to understand why this can't be stopped. My own family tells me things this way but, if I ask, they don't know anything I can't count on anything I hear anymore. 

This is the last time I will be able to believe anyone. I begged for help from my mother and, from John and, left to myself I clearly am an idiot.

Johnirs to me. Blames me for everything. Everything is always my fucking fault. ALEAYS. If I had just tried harder. If I had just done more. If I had just been thinner, fatter, smartter, nicer, or, a million other things then this would have stopped. Now, it's too late. 

It is very clear there is not ever going to be a way for me to understand why so many people hate me like this. Why was it ok to do something so horrific to another human being and, yes, I am a person? Why wasn't anyone allowed to just sit me down and, tell me what the fuck has happened and, what is still happening? I have asked so many times but, I get told this is what I deserved.

I am so hurt that I have lost the will to try. I am so stupid and, even my mother laughs at me! What's the fucking point? There isn't one anymore. They are nothing more than bullies and, I can't take anymore. I am too weak and, pathetic to even care anymore 

If I don't do everything their way, my own family is going to let them kill me! They could have stopped this a long time ago but, it wasn't a big deal to them. How can anyone be like this?! I wish I could kill myself. More than anything in this world I want to die. 

This has destroyed everything and, everyone I believed in. I want to die. Anything is better than this. Why the fuck should I keep trying when it is so fucking fun to hurt me? 

Life will never be worth this. My life isn't worth anything anyways. I have no way to find hope or, happiness again. I hate how stupid and, trusting I have been. I am nothing more than a god damn joke. I am glad so many people got a good laugh. Maybe one day l, long after I am gone I am sure, someone will be able to just fucking figure out why nobody could do a God damn thing to help make this stop. 

Fuck my own family for lying to me. I needed help and, I could only count on a small amount of people and, even they hate me. I am sick of hearing how hated you am. Sick of being hurt and, laughed at. Sick of believing that I have any kind of value. I don't and, now I know that without a doubt.

I want to die. There is nothing left for me to believe in except death. At least I know now!