I hate Being Alive

I hate life. I can't take any more abuse. Not that it mattered much. 

Everyone I asked, nobody knows angod damn fucking thing. I don't care about life or, anyone anymore. I am so sick of being hurt that I am done caring.

People pretend to fucking care but, when I beg for help, I am just a fucking joke. 

They hurt people and, I will never be hurt again. EVER. I lost this person, I lost that person only, I don't care anymore. 

Five years of the worst verbal and, psychological abuse in the world and, my own family didn't fucking care. They just keep hurting people and, blaming me. I am so sick of everything. Life isn't worth this. It is nothing but pain. If I speak up, I get hurt worse. 

Love isn't real. I found that out the hardest way possible. People will say anything but, when I beg for help, beg for people just to talk to me in person, nope. I am too afraid now and, I don't want to ever talk to anyone again. They never fucking stop and, I am fed up. That's my fault though 

I give up. I would rather be dead. My life has been fucking destroyed. Now, like every other day I have to sit here and listen to people tell me who I lost. Why the fuck would it matter? I lost my kids. Does anyone think they matter more to me than they do? The world is full of assholes and I can't care anymore 

I love hearing "I don't think you understand!" No shit Sherlock. I say that about ten thousand times a fucking day. Nobody wants to be around me. Fine. Don't be around me but, don't fucking pretend either. I can't handle the stress and, lies anymore. 

They change every voice, including mine. They use my voice.They accuse me of horrific things and, I am so used to death threats that it no longer matters to me. I want to die. What is the point of life? Apparently, people exist to hurt me. That's all that has happened in five fucking years. As long as everyone keeps lying to me and, I am not allowed to know people it will continue. Unless I die. After all they made it very clear years ago "it won't end until she dies!" So, wats the point of trying anymore? 

They can do whatever they want to me. It's not like I am a person. Just that thing that nobody wanted around. That thing that everyone walked away from. That thing that everyone had to hate so Angela could be happy again! 

I keep telling the truth and, I only get hurt worse for it. My kids are being hurt for it too. They already told me they hate my kids just because, they came from me. Nobody could do anything though. Nobody could stop them because of mem I feel guilty for things that I didn't do. For things I have no control over. That's how you get someone off drugs though!

I can no longer give a fuck about anyone or, anything. When I cared, that's who or, what they used to hurt me. Why should I keep caring? So I can get hurt more? They want me to die. I want to die. What's the fucking problem?

My own family lies to me about all of this. Everyone pretends they don't know anything. John comes into this apartment and, all he fucking does is hurt me more. Lies to me. Pretends he can't hear anyone then, talks out loud to people. Tells me that I regret to him as someone else, just like these "voices" that he tells me are only in my head. 

My Uncle is just as bad. I am sick of hearing about my Uncle. My uncle's knew that this is happening. They have been a part of this for as long as I have been alive. It you trust my Uncle then stay the fuck away from me. That is without a fucking doubt.

I am sick of hearing how I am a child molester. My son to be arrested mother in law is without a doubt a child molester. She admits it all the God damn time. If this had been stopped a lot of things wouldn't have been done but, as always that's my fucking fault. 

Every good d forsaken day I am going to be arrested. For what?! Being their victim? That is all I am. "THE PERFECT VICTIM!" They told me from the beginning nobody would believe me, nobody would help me. If there  so much as talk to anyone l, especially in person, I get fucked over worse.

John tells me that he didn't deserve to lose his good friend Angela. He swears that she never hurt him or, me or, anyone. He has made fun of me from day one for saying she has been doing this. Guess what? My daughter and, my son didn't deserve ti be hurt. I am so fucking sick of hearing people tell John to tell me the truth. I can never be hurt again. This has taken my soul and, I can't do anything but continue to be hurtm. Not anymore.

All of these things that I hear, it is very clear that people "loved" me so they could get away with what they have done, Just like I was told. So, trusting myself is out forever. Just like trusting anyone else. 

It's been over three and a half years since they drugged me and, tortured me up close and, personal. They got away with everything they have done to me. I am told since John came back from "prison" he drugged me and, let people into this apartment to hurt me more. What the fuck kind of sickness is that?!

It was ok though. As long as it was just me then there were no humans involved. My own family got me with that one! 

They have tried to kill me so many times, only to bring me back. Why bring me back? Why not just let me die? Why send John here to tell me all of the things that have been done this me? Like it's some kind of fucking joke. Paralyze me and, throw me into the river and a swimming pool. Put a plastic bag on my head! Put a pillow over my face! Why even tell me any of this shit if you wanted me to live? If you wanted me to be normal? WHY TELL ME THIS IS WHAT YOU WRRE TRYING TO CREATE?! Why tell me that? This is what you were trying to create? 

Since I am no longer a person and, everyone hates the thing that I am now, I don't understand what the problem is. This should be a relief to everyone.

"Jennifer I loved you so God damn much!" Really? I don't even know who said that! That's how sick this whole thing is. They have lied to me so fucking much that there is no way to keep surviving. No way to keep trying. I can not live with the fact that my child was molested and, nothing I did was good enough for anyone to be around me let alone, make this stop.

My children have been hurt. My mother in law is insane. I have heard that she destroyed all the evidence that had been collected that she had access to. Who knows if that is even true. My life has been their sick game for too long. I am sure that is why when this started I was told that they would take the blame before anyone else. 

I am sorry but, I can't try to survive anymore. 

I get told my own family raped me. Then, they collected all the evidence that proved it was them and, the accuse someone that I loved. Someone that I believed loved me. Now, I am told that same person called the police on me. For what? I am sitting, quietly on this apartment while my brother that drugged and, rapedcme laughs at me. John told me I would end up in jail without him here to "protect me!" Guess he was right! 

I am no longer able to handle this abuse. It has become too much. I am one person and, I just can't take it anymore. I have lasted longer than I should have anyways. 

"If John Butterfield hadn't married you, you wouldn't have survived this long!" Really?! He hurt me. John hurt me so badly that I hate myself for being around him. For letting my children be around him. Since so many people don't want to be around me, I keep trying to befriend him. I keep trying to believe that somewhere in him is the good man I met. After what he did to me yesterday, I know that man never existed. Not in any part of him is thr man that I fell in love with. I do not want to be hurt anymore. I do not want my children to be hurt anymore. 

I didn't put myself anywhere for people to see me. I asked John many, many times if people could see me or, us. Like everyone else, he said no. Each and every time I asked him he said no. He made fun of me for asking him. Made fun of me for hearing these people. He told me I belong in a padded room for hearing voices of people who aren't near me! Now, I am told he called the police because he can see me l. I asked Tracy too. She didn't know anything either. 

I am sick to death of these people. Tracy won't fucking stop. She is pissed off at me for turning her in and, for saying I was going to show up at her court date. John turned out to be abusive and, has used this whole thing to drive me insane. 

I am not crazy. I am being hurt so fucking badly that I can't handle it anymore. I try to get my life back and, I get hurt worse. Why? If I get my life back in order then that's a bad thing? If it isn't then why not offer me support instead of more pain? 

I am sick of being accused of things. Just to make everyone aware. I DO NOT KNOW GOW TO USE THIS TECHNOLOGY. I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING YO ANYONE. I DO NOT USE ANYONE RLSES VOUCE. I DO NOT USE PEOPLE. I DO NOT PLAY GAMES EITH PEOPLES HEARTS. I WAS A GOOD PERSON WHO HAS BEEN MURDERED. I NEEDED OEOPLE WHO CARED ABOUT ME TO BE AROUND ME. INSTEAD EVERYONE ABANDINDED ME. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING IN AND, THE PAIN AND, THE ABUSE I HAVE GONE YHROUGH IS TOO MUCH. I CANT TAKE ANYMORE. I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE WHATEVER IS HAPPENING. I NEEDED HELP AND, EVERYONE WALKED AWAY. I LOVED AND, THE PEOPLE I LOVED WERE USED TO HURT ME EVEN MORE. IT IS NOW YI THE PIINT WHERE I VANT BELIEVE IN MYSELF. I AM SO SORRY THAT I FOULDNT BE GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A PERSON ANYMORE. I EASNT GOID ENOUGH YO BE AROUND. PEOPLE WANTED TO HURT ME. PEOPLE WANTED ME TO DIE. INSTEAD OF PEOPLE BEING AROUND ME, I BECAME A JOKE THAT NOBODY WANTED. YHEY HIRT ME SO BADLY AND, AS FAR AS I FAN TELL, NOBODY CARED. THEY ALL WALKED AWAY AND, JOHN ENDED UP BEING THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAME AROUND ME. I DONT EANT ANYONE NEAR ME EVER AGAIN. I JEEDED SUPPORT AND, TO BE ABLE TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF. ALL I GOT WAS ABUSE SO BAD THAT I HATE MYSELF FOR TRYING. IT WAS JEVER ENOUGH ANYWAYS. NOTHING I DID WAS GOOD ENOUGH. EVERY FUCKING DAY ITS THE SAME THING. I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE AROUND. I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO HELP. I JUST KEEP FAILING.

I AM JOT A HOD DAMN CHILD MOLESTER. I AM NOT A CHILD ABUSER. IF YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THAT THEN FUCK YOU. I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE BEEN MORE ACCUSED OF BULLSHIT THAT OTHER PEOPLE ADMIT TO EITHER DOING OR LYING ABOUT. MY LIFE HAS BEEN DESTROYED. I CANT TAKE YHIS ANYMORE.

I AM FONE BEING A FAILURE