I Hate Being Alive

I hate these people so fucking much. I give up. They have terrorized me to death and, my own fucked up family blames me. They tell me this is my fault. They raped me. The roofie me and, I guess put molly in it like they said and, nobody can help me. I just get lied to and shamed and told "are you ready to get off drugs?" By someone my family trusted.

There are so many people involved that I can't even think straight. I will never be able to survive this and, I don't even want to try. I am sick of fucking being blamed for the horrible things they have done to me. I hate these people. I can't get a straight fucking answer from anyone, even fucking mother lies to me. I didn't do a fucking thing and, I am so sick and, tired of being told all these horrific things with no support. Life isn't worth this. No idy should be forced to live through something like this.

I sit here tonight and, listen to people threatening to kill me and, calling me a fucking child molester. Then I listen to my mother in law admit to molesting my daughter and, blaming me. She left her here with John and, I and, I knew there must be some reason and, no surprise there.Johm Butterfield and, his mother are child molesters and, they have admitted it.

They have hurt me beyond what I can handle and, since apparently everybody hates me Incant get any help. I'm a drug addict so nobody wants to help me. Fine with me, I no longer think life is worth living. It isn't even worth trying to survive. I am sick of listening to people I love tell me they hate me. They tell me I am not worth anything. I beg for help or even just a fucking hug and, I get made fun of all the God damn time. I am told how John told everyone body the truth about me. Oh really because, anytime I ask him anything all he does is lie to me! Fuck this life and, fuck me for ever thinking that anyone could care about me.

They have fucked my head up so God damn bad that I can't even understand who I am talking to. Anytime I think I know I get told that the things I heard were someone else. I no longer care about anyone, at fucking all. It was so funny to destroy my life. Fuck this. I will never be ok. I will never recover from this. I have no friends or family left. Everyone keeps blaming me and telling me how I wasn't worth it. I am told so many fucked up things and made fun of so much that I have decided that it is time. I am sick of people. Sick of being lied to so fucking much. Sick of being told how I deserved to be raped or how I wanted it. "You wanted it as much as your brother did!" Seriously? Any time I tell someone that the dude I stay out is my brother I get told "you have serious problems!" How could my own fucking family do something like this. 

,My mom, like everyone else, tells me they don't know anything. When I moved in with my brother I was stupid enough to ask him to ask his friends if they had ever heard of anything like this. They have been a part of this. He is the one that told me how great that stupid fucking drink was and, them when I told him there were people in the fucking apartment, he told me I am crazy and, I need to go lay down. They terrorized me, kidnapped me, assaulted me, raped me and, because of whatever combination of drugs they gave me I get told that I wanted it! 

I don't remember a lot from that time period but, I do remember being in a different city. They said now that I was gone at least two and a half weeks. I took a picture of my broken nose, it is on the page called pictures, I took it when I came to. The bruising is clearly older than a day or two so obviously there is a huge problem. I remember going into a store in the other city. Apparently, I escaped somehow and, recently "Daddy's new girlfriend" that John is the one that came and, picked me up from that fucking store. 

 John is a lying, abusive sack of shit. Worthless as any human can be. All he does is lie to me. Lie. Lie. Lie. He swears he doesn't know who is hurting me or how. He doesn't know anybody at all. He says he has never heard voices and, never known anyone who has. He makes fun of me all the time then, he will start spouting off things that he heard the way he swears he knows nothing about. He is evil through and through.

He told me to walk home at Thanksgiving, he said it was my fault he wasn't able to eat or, celebrate. At  Christmas he had me sit in the car, he said I couldn't "maintain.* He tells me that if the cops show up he is going to show the cops all the videos of me "acting crazy!" He begged for a second chance and, had people harass me to make sure he got it only to use it to kill me. I was told how he asked his mom to do this to me. He defends people who are trying to get me to kill myself.

I fell in love with someone else and, I am sick of hearing how hated I am. How even he hates me. How nobody wants to be around me because I am a drug addict. How I am supposed to be in love with someone else. How I went "from bad to worse!" I can't get anyone to just talk to me. I have no clue if what I hear is even real. No clue a lot of the time who I am even talking to or, hearing. They have destroyed my life and, there is nothing that will stop them. I.am told people are afraid to be around me. How the way John and, I interact is my fault. That I am violent and, abusive. Everything is always blamed on me and, I give up 

They blame everything on my drug addiction. Hello. I know for a fact that the things they have said they did to me, they actually did. They did a lot that I don't know about. I feel like I am lucky that I am only a drug addict. These people are so fucking sick they are killing people because I didn't kill myself when they told me to and, I get told it's my fault they have been allowed to keep doing this because I won't stop using drugs. Seriously? KILLING PEOPLE IS LESS OF AN ISSUE THAN ME DOING DRUGS. I FEEL GUILTY FOR THINGS THAT ARE NOT MY FUCKING FAULT.

I feel so stupid, fat, ugly, unwanted. Like I am the worst parent in the world. I can't get anyone to just talk to me. They either deny or, make fun of me. I feel stupid for falling in love with this person. I felt like I had met this guy that was so everything you could want a guy to be. Now, I don't even know if it was him. I don't want to be told anything ever again. I don't want to ever hear another voice again. Not in person, not this way, not ever. I am sick of all of this. 

How is any of this my fucking fault? Why am I being blamed for the horrific things that have been done to me and, my children. How can everyone hate me so fucking much? I used to live the person I was. I used to live my life. Now, all I want is to die. There is nothing in my life that is real anymore. I can't get a straight answer. I just get told how hated I am. Even people I considered familyI hear this way telling me how they don't want me around. Then, they get upset because I don't feel comfortable anymore. No idy wants me around. I get it. No idy is even real anymore. Just voices that pretend too much. I can't count on anything or, anyone. I am sick of being blamed for people attacking me and, fucking with my head. Fucking with my emotions. 

John has set me up for the last time. I will hate him until the second I die. He tells me one thing, then if I do what he says or, even repeat what he says, he tells me I am crazy. That I am making shit up. There is nothing left of the life I loved. Nothing that I can look at that brings joy. Everything and, everyone I loved was used to hurt me so badly that I can't take life anymore. I beg for help, someone who can talk to me in person but, I am too afraid now to be around people. I can't tell when someone is lying to me which only gets me hurt worse. I can't trust myself. Each time I think I know what is going on or, that I can trust someone I get fucked over so bad that I have finally decided that trusting isn't worth it. I am better off hiding from the world. I can't even do that though. Somehow, they decided that I needed to be exposed to the world and, now I am without one second of privacy. Apparently, that is also ok since I am a drug addict. At least I was still alive. Now, without any type of anything or, anyone to depend on they just terrorize me worse. Fuck people and fuck being alive. 

They force my children to listen and, watch me be harassed to death. No idy gave a fuck. Everything is my fault. I can't get anyone to talk to .e about this. I am scared to death . People I thought cared I am told hate me and, want me to die. John tells me that I am surrounded by enemies so I can't trust anyone around me. I never feel safe. I never feel comfortable or,like I can relax. I get bitched at for being too lazy, I get bitched at if I get up and try to do anything. There is literally nothing that they don't bitch at me about. 

I don't have any idea what is real anymore. Drug induced hallucinations. That is the excuse they use to get away with killing me. Fuck these people. My own fucking family Ames me. Everyone keeps telling me I hurt my kids and, other kids. I did not. I use to hear my daughter telling people that I did nothing to her but, they have hurt her and my son so badly. My fault though, like always. She told me once that "Daddy's new girlfriend is telling me to lie about you mommy!" They never stop though. They just keep telling me horrible things they have done to me. Horrible things because I hurt kids. I do not. John and, I fought. It made things worse that they would "whisper" to me so that our fights were horrible. Then, they blame me for all of that too. John looks me dead in the eyes and tells me how he loves me and, I am his happily ever after then, blames me for things he knows I didn't do or, that I had no control over. 

I lost everyone I loved. EVERYONE. I guess it doesn't matter. I am told how I lost everyone every day anyways. Just like I get told to kill myself every fucking day. I get told how I told everyone how much I love them. I don't tell my mom or, my grandma I love them hardly ever. I only told my kids all the time. I tried to show them as much affection as I possibly could. Somehow though, I love everyone so now, I am not believed. I am just a fucking whore so who cares anyways. I get it. It's fine. I don't care anymore. The pain of living through this isn't worth it. I just end up feeling worse about myself and, guilty to people who I can't tell if they give a fuck or not. Any time I say I am too hurt I get told "so is he!" Or "so is your daughter" my feelings don't matter at all. They are pushed aside by people who want me to die. I get told I only talk about myself. I'm sorry , did you want to gossip? No matter how many times I beg them to stop talking about people, they keep doing it and, they do it in my voice! I get told how I only think about dudes and, that I never think about my kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. They tortured me from the beginning about my kids and, John. I didn't think about John first so punishment I didn't think about my kids first so punishment. Pretty much everything was about John. I wasn't supposed to marry him. He wasn't supposed to love me. That's fine. He didn't fucking love me so u fail to see how that was an issue. He didn't live my kids either. He used the fuck out of us to protect his family.

I don't believe anyone could love me now. I will never be able to believe anything good about myself. They have destroyed that part of me. I am sick of listening to people who say they live me but, they all walk away from me. I would rather be alone forever than be hurt again. I will never trust anyone again. I can't risk it. I am sick of believing in myself. I get told the worst fucking things about myself and, after all this time and, so many people lying to me, I believe those things. If they weren't true then why did everyone abandon me? Why did my own family help do this to me? They had a plan and, my family gave their ok. That's what I am told. My own parents gave the ok to torture me to death. My death was always the main goal. They wanted to blame me for all the things they have done. They set other people up to but, there is nothing I can do about any of it. I don't even think anyone believes me. If they do, I would have loved to talk to them. Instead, I sit here alone while everyone hates me.

I don't have the strength anymore to keep dealing with this. I have asked for help and, even my family lied to me. Everything is my fault. I can't comply with all of their demands. When I try to get off drugs either John shows up, they stress me out more than I can handle or, they do what they do best and hide their attack. Fine with me. There is no reason they did this, they just hate me. They have done it since long before I had kids but, my kids are their second favorite excuse. Ai what if I am in drugs. I don't kill people. I don't hurt anyone. They are hurting me and, then they blame me for the things they do. 

It's my fault they attacked me. I did this to myself. I am so hurt that I just don't care anymore. I feel completely abandoned and , that I deserve this. I didn't love the right person. I didn't do the right things. I did everything wrong. Everything about me is wrong. My "transformation is complete" now. I will never be anything but, a burden to those around me. A burden to the people I love the most. I already get told how I used people. They made it so I can't take care of myself, then blame me for asking for help. Yes, I used some of the money to buy drugs. So very sorry that it was that bad of a thing to do. I am sorry I am just a worthless whore.

I am not a liar though. I keep telling the truth and, I keep hearing someone tell people that I am not lying. I guess nobody else hears that person though. I hate life and, I give up. Go ahead and tell me it's drugs and, that I am making shit up. I do not care anymore I will never care about anyone ever again. Go ahead and, blame me some more. It makes no difference. I give up. All I want is to die. I no longer as believe that life is worth living. I HAVE TOLD YOU THE FUCKING TRUTH AND, ALL I GOT EAS HATED MORE. ABANDONED. EVERYINE GAS ALWAYS WALKED AWAY SO UM DOBE TRYING. FUCK YOU. I can't take anynore. I refuse to try. I hate my own family now. They don't know anything. There is no idy I can even ask about all is this. I just keep believing people who pretend to care and, I no longer care. I will never be able to trust anyone again. I am sick of taking the fucking blame. I don't care who I lost anymore. No idy gave a shit if they lost me so fuck off. I used to be a person too. Once upon a time. Now, I am just that thing everyone hates. I needed to be exterminated. No idy believes me anyways so who fucking cares. Nobody hears anything or anyone nobody knows anything or, anyone I can't take this anymore. I do not need to be alive anymore.

Even people I thought cared about me and want nothing to do with me now. I DIDNT DO ANYTHING. THEY HAVE BEEN TORTURING ME. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? LITERALLY TORTURING. I HEAR DOMEONE TELLING MY MOM YHIS BUT NOBODY GIVES A FUCK. I get blamed for fighting that John. He is the biggest cunt I have ever met. He makes fun of me, tells my brother to call the police that I am hearing voices of people who aren't there and, then repeats things he could have only heard if he knew what is going on. All of these people know the truth. Nobody gave a shit though. I want to die. I want to die. They tell me they hate me so much they are going to kill my kids too. They want to wipe out every trace of me. They did this to my grandparents and, when I told my mom she told me I was stupid. That nobody is hurting them. Why should I keep caring when everybody hates me? Why should I keep caring when everyone blames me? Nobody wants to be around me. Nobody will give me the chance to prove that John is the problem. That he fucked my head up so God damn bad that I am not like he makes me look like. Nobody could help me though. The last people I had when I ask them for something I hear that they are just going to shine me on and, thenat the last minute tell me no and, that is exactly what happened. PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO KILL ME. WHAT DOES CRUGS HAVE TO DO WITH THAT? They are going to keep doing this and, everyone is going to keep blaming me so fuck this. I don't have to survive. "Angela can't be happy until you are dead!" They even fucking say they are trying to kill me but, who gives a fuck. I am sick of people telling me that I wasn't raped. THEY ROOFIED ME AND, THEY SAY THEY PUT MOLLY IN IT. I HAVE SOME OF YHE CLITHES THESE OEOPLE WORE WHEN YHIS HAPOENED. MY BROTHERS BED WILL STILL HAVE DNA ON IT! WHY THE FUCK WONT ANYONE GELO ME? BECAUSE OF DRUGS? MY OWN FAMILY KILLED ME FATHER THAN ADMIT THIS HAS HAPPENED? YHEY WERE HERE FOR FUCKS SAKE. Instead, I et  told that the man I love is the one that shoved a broom handle into my vagina! That he would rather admit that and, go to prison than be around me. "How does that feel?" All the fucking time, something horrible followed by how does that feel. It's right up there with "I hope that hurt!" After four years I finally said something to either Tracy or, John and, said I hope that hurt and, now everyone says that to me. I get punished for not kissing Angela's ass she fucked my life up and, admits she did. Admits John helped her get, I get fucked I dr for shit I said back to her. Most of the time I repeated her own words back to her and, somehow I am the bad guy. Oh well. I'm the worst person I. The world. Five god damn years and, I did this to myself. I just fine care anymore. They found people to cover up everything they have done. I tried to warn people that they were being set up only to listen to them telling me I am going to die for it  I get death threats because they blame me for molesting my daughter. They blamed others too. People who have never even been around her! John confesses things using someone else's name and voice! I am terrified that I am going to end up in prison for the things they did and, others are going to end up there too. 

I never learned how to do this. I am already at their mercy. If they turn this down, there is nothing I can do. I can't hear what they are saying so I can't defend myself. They use my fucking voice all the time, even when I am asleep. Tracy has admitted to writing to people and, doing this to people using my voice. I doubt anyone believes me though. 

I get blamed for so many things that I have to die. There will never be a way to clear my name. Every day I get told how my kids hate me and how I am a terrible parent I no longer give a shit. I can't take this anymore. I have tried so fucking hard and, it never matters. I can't help the things they are doing to me and, I can't fight anymore. I am sorry that everyone hates me. Sorry that I am so easy to lie to and, walk away from. I am sorry that I couldn't stop these people from killing people. I am sick of taking the blame.e. sick of nobody wanting me around. Sick of hearing how John drugged me and, let people in AFTER  he came back from prison. 

John swore he didn't blame.e me for the things that happened. All he wanted was a clean slate and a second chance. He used that second chance to kill me. He blames me for everything including sending him to prison. He says "I opened the door" for him to go. He hired an underage hooner and, got caught. He knew it was a sting. He wasn't even there very long. Apparently he got a lot of say passes. I heard for a while there was an investigation but, like every other investigation, it went away. Not once had anyone ever came and, talked to me about any of this. If they talk to me this way I can't see them and, I have no idea who I am talking to so there would be no way for me to know. I heard there was a Grand jury but, I never got any notice for that either. 

I am sick of being lied to. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING IN. I CANT TAKE ANYMORE. I KEEP ASKING AND, NOBODY WILL TELL ME ANYTHING. I already know they change the words and, lie to me so fucking much that I shouldn't have believed anything I heard anyways. Go ahead and tell me this lis how you get someone off drugs. That you did this to someone else too. You kill people and, I take the blame. I give up. Nobody can help me and I am tired of all of this. 

Everyone can kiss my fucking ass. I have no choice but to die. There is nothing left to look ve for anyways. All I get is lied to and blamed. 

I give up. Fuck life. Nothing is worth this. I give up.