Guessing

Nobody should ever have to guess who people are. Things should never end with your heart being ripped from your chest at someone else's whim. 

I get made fun of for not knowing what the man I love looks like. Somehow, his heart is devalued because I don't know how he looks. It is painful. All these people know what I look like and, you don't know what anyone looks like. I feel stupid sometimes but, I keep trying to believe it's going to be worth all the bad ways I feel right now. That somehow, even though they have messed with my head so much that I am having a hard time believing that my own family cares. 

There has to be a silver lining. A way to understand why people would do something so terrible. Why I was left not understanding what is so wrong with the person I am. 

I get told every day that I wasn't worth it. That nobody could ever love me. That everyone hates me. That nobody wants to be around me. I guess, for the most part, that must be true. I'm not going to be ok now. I am sorry that it was difficult to understand what people are doing to so many others. I'm not prepared to handle so much pain. I am starting to think that I have done something so unforgivable that this is why I am not allowed to believe anyone cares. I love this man. I get told terrible, hurtful things that I am told I assume come from him. There must be a reason he isn't sitting here with me right now. It isn't a matter that nobody is here. It's him not being here. Him not being with me that hurts. I never wanted any of this and, I don't want just anyone. There is something special about him. To never even be able to talk to him in person makes me think I have done a lot wrong. I don't even know what he looks like now. I won't be able to put a face to the love that I feel. It hurts too much for me to be able to think about. 

I am sorry I can't understand why so many people want to hurt me. I am a nice person. I am still a person. It just doesn't seem like it.